I never wanted to be this way.
I never wanted to be this weak.
But why isit so hard for me to let you go?!
Why isit so hard for me to stop loving you?

You were always hurting me, but why am i still so much in love with you? I don't understand what HE has in store for me. But i hope HE let me know soon.
Every single night going to bed crying is draining all my strength.
It's making me lose myself even more.

I will try my very best. Not to come btwn you n her. But i ask for forgiveness in advance, if i were to give in again.
Because i can't control this feelings i have for you.

I broke. I crumbled. I gave in.
I needed to hear his voice. I needed to know he was there.
I tried to resist, but i gave in too easily.
& now it got me breaking down again.

I miss you Apiz. I miss you so much.

How is it that you have already realised that all these while you were very selfish, yet now you're doing it again?
Answer me this. Isit fair for me & her to be going through this? Yes, i still do not like her for god knows what reasons. But still i am not inhuman. I feel the pain she's feeling. I offered the sacrifice of my heart to you time & time again. I told you to go. To not hurt more than 1 person. Hurting me is already enough, why must you hurt another?

I am not trying to act like a hero, sacrificing myself for her happiness. No. I'm trying to save myself, from going insane. Every single night, i still go to sleep clutching my stomach, wishing & wishing HE is still there. The emptiness i'm feeling is way worse than the day i caught you at Dbl O. I don't even know how to start describing it.

Every single night, i go to sleep crying. Finally realising that i've lost my precious baby. The baby that we wanted all these while. Each & everyday is a living torture, seeing babies every where, seeing pregnant mummies every where. That should have been me! That should have been me, gleaming with joy, waiting for the arrival of Rivfy. Yes, i was gonna name him Ahmad Rivfy.

But now, look at where we are. Still in hurt, still in turmoil. Still in pain. It should have been simple & straight. We were supposed to be together till we grow old & gray.
I keep asking myself, what went wrong. Didn't i give you enough? Or maybe i was too protective. Or maybe i didn't satisfy you enough? Or... All those questions keep appearing in my head, asking GOD for the answers.

I know it won't come easy. I know this is his test. To see if i'm strong enough. To see if our love is strong enough. But with what has been happening, i don't think i have enough strength anymore.
I lost things that are precious to me one too many times. & it is taking it's toll.

Please pa. Just leave. You will never know if it's right or wrong if you never try. You have to make the wrong decisions to find the right one,. So please. Leave. I can't take it anymore.
=_(

* To my 2 babies, i know you're up there feeling my pain. I'm sorry you couldn't be in my arms. I'm sorry i didn't take go care of you. I'm sorry for losing you. Just this 1 last time, i ask of the both of you to give mummy the strength to go through all these. Daddy is confused & he's draggin mummy along with his confusion. & it keeps hurting mummy over & over again. My darling babies, i love you.