Thousands apologies for being emotional about this picnic.. I know i shouldn't have been so harsh but i just couldn't help it.. Cause things always crop up whenever plans are going smoothly.. And i hate that alot. Fine.. Do whatever you guys wanna do.. Go home early ke.. Go netball ke.. Up to you guys.. Afterall, i am nobody to say what you should and shouldn't do.
Once again.. thousands of apologies..

Now i'm off to bed..
Nites!


*To Nabilah: If my assumption is right, are you Nabilah from E.P.P.S?? The one with the long long hair as a kid?? Just checking.

Korang betul2 pantat gatal kan?? Macam-macam korang kluarkan last minute.. Ada netball lah.. balik siang lah..
Tolong lah.. this picnic wasn's planned 2 or 3 weeks ago okeh.. It was plan almost a frigging 2 MONTHS AGO!! and now biler date dah nak dekat, macam2 alasan korang keluarkan.. No exception for myself also lah.. Tapi aku boleh make it.. Baby Gemok's dancing is in the morning.. and it'll end b4 2.. So consider aku tk buih.. Tapi korang.. KIMAK!! macam2 sak... Takpe ah.. gini aku, Nani dgn Az je ah yg pergi.. Since korang ada plans lain per..

If this picnic was planned recently,i don't give a damn.. But it was plan a long time ago.. Asal masa aku tanye tk bagi alasan? Asal skg baru nak kluarkan mcm2 alasan.. Beh bila aku cancel, aku yg salah.. Aku yg buih.. Sukahati korang lah..
Korang pandai2 plan, then korang just bilang aku.. Senang2 aku collect cuppies, then aku balik.. Lagi senang..

I just may cancel it all and let you guys have your own fun. And don't say aku ni sensitive sgt. I won't be sensitive kalau korang tk kluarkan alasan!

"Siapa terasa.. sukahati korang lah.."

As of now, i am no longer with Gemok.. Cey..cey.. Bukan break lah dengz! Just not staying together anymore. I have returned home and lets just say, i miss him.ALOT. There's this emptiness in my heart everytime i reach home to only realise that he's not there to greet me. Cause i'm too used to the past, where i will always see his smiling face everytime i reach home.
Countless have told me to leave him,saying he's not worth my sacrifices.. He's not worthy to have me. Easier said than done people. What i have with Gemok is not just the usual "BF & GF" situation. Our parents are involved. We have already set a date for our solemnisation. And having already set a date shows that i have promised to stand by his side,through all his goods and bads.. And it's not an easy promise to break. And again, i'm not the type who breaks promises. I mean, if i do break promises, they are all mainly accidental, not purposely done.

It's hard to explain to people everytime they ask me, "Why the heck do you still stay on with him after all that he's done to you?" , "You sacrificed alot,he doesn't appreciate.. and yet you still stay??"
I have my own answers, and they're only mine to believe in. Cause it'll only be a waste of time trying to explain the answer when all they do is argue back.. To which they believe they are right. I know they care and i know they are right.. But.. AARGH! It's just so damn hard to explain what i'm feeling and why i still hold on, why i still fight on to preserve my relationship.

Some people have even gone to the extent by saying, "Alaaa.. Kahwin boleh cerai, tunang boleh putus." True enough. But come on, it's that the way to go by your everyday lives. To believe in something that ALLAH S.W.T doesn't approve off?? I appreciate all your care and concern. I really do. But at the end of the day, i make all the decisions.
I'm not saying all this to say that you guys can't give me advises. Do give me more,as there are things that i still don't know about. And to which i still need advises. I am really too stressed out. What with things at home, and things with Gemok... I really feel like disappearing. Just for a moment or two.. definitely not forever.



Oh btw, MONYETZ! i just found out that Baby Gemok is having her dancing2 on the 15th. But it'll be in the morning. But i don't know what time it'll end. So we'll see how k.
I get back to you guys soon after i check with Baby Gemoks's teacher on what time her show ends. But i strongly believe that i can still make it.. Cause if this year's celebration is going to be the same as last yr, it should end early. One more thing, duit cuppies aku bayar sorng2 per??? Lols. JUST ASKING AJEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I've been plaqued with nightmares these days. And it is always about him. I try to stay positive all the time,and somehow i do manage to get through it all. I don't know whats gonna become of us. I don't know how our future is going to look like. But what i'm certain is, i'll always be by his side. I'm going home soon,leaving him for a couple of days to settle things with my family. And i hope it can be done smoothly. Haiz.. too stressed out..

Sometimes i wonder why people bother to distrupt other peoples lives when it doesn't include them. I mean,is their lives too boring till they have to take everyone's problem theirs?? Even if that were so, couldn't they do it in a nice way, instead of critisicing people?? And yet they still can say that they are not critisicing, when their words truly shows it. Gahhhh! The stupidity of some people. Lagi ada hati ckp, "Aku cuma nk tunjuk her,her trueself."
Ok.. Ni part sumpah kau macam paham.. I mean, so you're saying you know her trueself? WHo do you think you are?! GOD?! Do you really think you are GOD? Come on, only GOD knows everyones trueself. And by you saying that piece of shit is already saying that you think you are GOD. The atrocity of it all. Ish..Ish..Ish.. I don't know how anybody in your live can stand your behaviour. Or maybe you just need the attention cause nobody at home bothers to give you the attention. My sympathies to you Dear. Cause you are simply one GREAT BIG LOSER!!
Cannot accept what i'm saying?? Feel free to call me and say it directly to me, instead of hiding behind a virtual world. Only daring to say things here but not in real life. You're the one needing of a reality check. Call me up, i'll be waiting. 94866246. Oh come on, don't give me bullshit reasons such as "Buat ape aku nk call kau?", "Wasting my time only." The moment you say all that, you have already given me the satisfaction to prove that you are the real coward and you have made me the happiest person alive. So prove me wrong, dampen my satisfaction. Call me. I'll be glad to entertain you.

Up to you guys if you wanna come to the picnic.. It's going to be on the 15th.. kul 3 kat Tamp. You guys dont' want to come,your problem.. like i said before.. I'm too stressed out.. and with this picnic thing going like this.. i might as well cancel it and forget about everything. Watever lah. Come if you want to..


Too stressed out makes me see meds as candy.

I am still hurt. Phsyically, not much. But emotionally, Yes. I am still traumatised over what happened the other day. Still can't believe that it happened to me. After all we've been through.. i really didn't expect that to happen.

Everyday i come home with fear at heart. Fear of being scolded,fear of him unhappy,fear of the incident happening again.. But what am i supposed to do? i chose this path to be with him,and i shall stick to my decision. Countless have told me to leave him.. but as you already know.. "It is easier said than done."


I do not want him to think of me as someone who gives up easily.. or someone who just can't hold a relationship strong. But at times he does makes me want to give up there and then. I mean.. after all that we've been through, do we still have to go through this again? I just don't know. At times i feel like leaving him.. but at times i feel like i can't live without him. I'm just too stressed out.. With work being stressful enough as it is,with pay getting hanged all the time, and yet i still have to come home to him scolding me. I know i did some mistakes. But is my mistake that big till all this have to happen? I have been by his side from day one. I have been by his side till it came to the extend that i was ostracised from my own family. What else is there needed to be done till he can be truly happy with me?

The nightmare i had the other day keeps coming back. It's like trying to tell me something. But everytime i wake up, i tell myself it's all bullshit. I just don't know what else to do to make him happy.





(I know you'll be reading this Gemok. But please, before you get angry over anything.. You should know that this is my Diary. A place where i let my emotions all out. I know you're bounf o get angry. But pls Darling.. Understand what i'm feeling before getting angry.)

Aisey bedah.. Now how?? Plans for the upcoming Dec babies picnic is not going well. Due to some circumstances. Now the date has been brought forward earlier.. But it's still not yet confirmed. Haizz.. Stress aku dibuat nye..
Can somebody please take over the planning?? cause stressing about this too, is going to make me commit suicide any moment now. I certainly have enough to worry about. and now to add this to the list? Gosh!
Bsk check paper, and you'll see an article about a girl committing suicide. And her name is "ZIYANAH ZAINI". Cool kannn?? Lols.

I'm seriously too stressed out. I need to rest. Bye.

Updates..
Yang last-last week nye buat bodoh sudah lah ek.. Cause it was too long ago.. and story da basi..
Gemok is now also a frequent reader of my blog, so i'll have to use my words carefully. I'm not really sure what to update..
Cause lots of fucked-up things happened these few days.. too many in fact..
Fights every now and then.. Seems like it's a must to argue every 10 mins.
I got hurt.. to which it is still hurting now.. Badly..
I almost thought i was dying.. (for just a moment lahh.. duh..)
And work has been damn tiring..
Yes,i'm working now.. but at NUSS as a waitress.

Oh gosh,you guys must be wondering.. "da bagos2 admin,why back to waitressing?"
Don't really know actually.. it's just that i prefer jobs that includes more walking,exploring,and all that shits... Instead of sitting down all day in the office staring at the computer..
No offence babes.. but that's just how i like it..
I don't care if people think it's downgrading working as a waitress,cause it seems dat all you do is serve people..
But hey, all you guys are serving peopple too.. only not upfront peeeeee... Lols


Ok.. now PICNIC update..
i just got the news from Fidah that Nad can't make it.. due to her parents making a birthday bash for her at their apartment..
WAIT! WAIT!! mai kanchionnggg.. hahahah.... The picnic is still on.. only with one person short..
or do you guys wanna change the date? so that every one can make it?
i dunno, it's up to you guys lah kann.. if you guys anna change the date, do tag me.. so dat i can make the changes to the collection of the cuppies k..
So how babes??


toodlessss!

My whole life flashed before my eyes in that moment. I shall elaborate more on a later post,cause it just happened.

The month of November has been one very trying month for me and Gemok. Short of cash,arguments every now and then. And lots more.. And all this is starting to wear me thin. But as they say, all these hardships makes one's love grow fonder. (ye kee?? lol)

Oh yeah.. sorry for being "M.I.A" for so long. Due to time constraint and frequent fights,update seems impossible at that point of time. And also becausei was lazy.. Lol.

I have to go now. It's hurting so bad and i can't type anymore.
I promise.. i will update soon.
Bye!