Oh yah. Did i tell you that i went to Haziq's court hearing and ended up crying? lol.

We (Me & Dee) were a few minutes late for the hearing. Luckily when we reached,he wasn't there yet and they haven't star the hearing. Baby Dee was supposed to go to work but i wanted het to be there so instead she never went to work. I was so touched by what you did for me baby. Sacrificing something just to be there for me. Cause she knew i would cry.

So yeah, time passed and the hearing started, There HE was sitting in front of me, always turning behind to look at me. He kept doing sign languages which i swear i didn't understand. Tkmo ckp aku,even his best friend couldn't understand what he was trying to say. The only few times that i understood what he said was when he asked me why i wasn't wearing the shirt that he gave to me, and when he told me not to cry (when i was already crying). And also the part when he was about to be brought back in, he said "I LOVE YOU".
Haiz.
I was happy to see him, yet i was mad at him. Cause of what happened. Cause of what he did to me. My feelings were so jumbled till 1 moment i was crying & the next i was laughing. I hated him yet i loved him at the same time. But my hatred got the best of me. And i think he saw it. He saw my face and asked me y? All i did was shrugged. How i wish we could have some time and talk things out, and work what's best for us. So i know what to do next.
I'm still undecided on whether i should wait for him or not. Maybe after the 1st visit, when i can talk things out, then i will decide. So for now, I'm undecided. hahaha.


"I'm praying i don't have to go through what i did 6 yrs ago. Cause what happened then, was totally hearbreaking."

Funny how things can be sometimes. 1 moment u're attached and in love and the next, you're single and feeling lonely. I'm not complaining much bout being single.. It's just that i miss the "Miss you", "love you" & the "REPORTING". You know what i mean. Whenever u reach work and you're on the way back, and you msg that special someone telling them about it.
It seems that everone is in love nowadays. Bestie already has a bf. And a few friends just got attached. I'm happy for them.. truly. But sometimes it hurts seeing people in love. Cause i miss being in love.
Guess i was too comfortable living a life where i know someone will love me, till now when i'm single... i got lost.
Not that i don't have my fair share of suitors. I do. Just that sometimes i feel like i wanna be alone and not fall in love again. Cause i'm still scared. 50% wants to be loved, yet the other 50 wants to be alone.
Haiz.. Complicated lah. All i know now is that i'm happy being single yet i get hurt seeing people in love. Amcm ckp? lol.

That's why nowadays i look forward to going to work and be in the company of colleagues, cause they take my mind of love. But once i'm all alone, i'll start to to think about love, and i'll be staring at an empty space the next moment. And soon to be followed by tears. Haiz. I just don't understand myself sometimes. Oh well. Neither would u. lol.



HALLOWEEN's COMING! THIS FRIDAY! And so is my payyyy! Hahaha.

At first i felt like blogging, den i was lazy.. But now here i am, feeling the need to blog again.
Hahaha.

I really have trouble sleeping nowadays. I know i should be sleeping and resting, but my eyes just don't seem to want to. My body wants to rest but my mind just wants to stay awake. And when it's time to go to work or do an activity, that is when i'll get sleepy. tsk.
Someone said that i might be suffering from a minor case of INSOMNIA. cause he said i have all the syptoms and signs of someone who has insomnia. Tsk.

Oh shit!
i'll continue later! I've got to meet someone right now & i'm damn late for it!
Hahahaha.

I should be sleeping right now, but here i am editting friendster, pics & updating my blog.
I just can't seem to fall asleep no matter how i try.

SATURDAY morning after work, i went to ECP with PG babies. Only 4 of us were there 1st. Me, PG Baby Dee, PG Baby Dina & PG Baby Que. Rented some skates & bike and off we were skating and cycling. And mind u.. It was a few yrs ago that i last skated.. and what a fool i must have looked like, wobbling non-stop. lol. But thanks to PG Dina & PG Dee for being there whenever i was going to fall.
Went pass this skate rental shop which had lots of malay guys there, and believe it or not i made a fool out of myself. Hahaha. And there they were teasing me all about it. "Kak, tkmo wobble eh kak." Tsk.tsk.
PG Shidah & PG Kykie came awhile later. And den majority of them decided to go tanning. Followed them awhile then went back to rent some skates again, cause fussy PG Dee wanted to skate somemore.
So yeah, PG Dee and me skated & talked till we didn't realise that we were past Big Splash. Made a u-turn and then off i went to bathe and go to work.

Yesyes, u've read it correctly.
I came back from work, i went to ECP and off i went back to work. So basically, i didn't sleep when i should be sleeping. lol.
I guess i'm not much of a "home-stayer". Cause either i'll be online the entire day or i'll be blasting music and cleaning the house. Neither which i'm interested to do at the moment. =p
&& Me and PG Dee has decided to make it a weekly event to go back to ECP & skate till our legs ache. Hahaha.

Dee has been a gd friend. A very good one. No matter how i've hurt her by my words or actions, she has never fail to be there for me. A quality in her which i never knew she could possess.
Saying thank you is just enough for all that she has done for me.
I'm glad she's my friend.
My BEST FRIEND. =)


It has been awhile since i felt that tranquility i felt at ECP. And it brought back sweet & bitter memories.. The tranquilty i felt made me forget every single thing that was hurting me. And here i am back to reality. Haiz.

Oh yeah, Haziq's bro msged me saying that Haziq asked me to come down on his court case on the 28th. & to wear the shirt that he gave me. 80% of me don't want to go, yet the other 20% wants to. I just don't think i can go see him right now. Cause i know it'll nvr be again. Haizz. We'll see.

I woke up SURPRISINGLY early today. I woke up exactly at 11 today which is considered early to the timings that i always wake up. I'm working at 8 today and i woke up at 11. Oh goddd. I'm gonna be so sleepy at work later. lol.

Just a quick chat with him could make me smile all day. He was still at school and he nudge me.
And we chatted for awhile.
And now here i am, mind totally blank. I don't know what to update.
LOL.

Gonna be meeting PG Baby Dina & PG Baby Kykie later on. PG Baby Kykie said she wants to make me happy. lol. I just love my PG Babies lahh.
And till 2moro. See ya! =)

I'm surrounded with friends who are in love & i'm freaking jealous! lol.
But neither am i saying i'm not happy being single.. Only dat i miss the cute smses, the hugs, the kisses,the pampering.. Oh. Just about everything when u're in love lah...

Ever since i started dating, i was always one who always got a replacement quick, even tho the recent r'ship just ended. Not to say i moved on fast or what.. But i guess i just couldn't bring myself to reject someone.. in other words, HURT SOMEONE. I couldn't bear the thought that someone would get hurt if i rejected them, so hence the reason why i got so many EXs.
Sometimes when i get to know a new guy, they'll ask me how many EXs i've got. And when i told them the number, 99.9% of them will get shocked and start labelling me a "PLAYGIRL". lol.
"Bkn aku nie playgirl, tapi aku tk sampai hati nk reject orggg.. Pahaaam?!" lol.
But this time, it seems that i've lost my touch. Maybe all those hurt have started to take it's toll. Cause seriously right now, to bring myself to love another is just so hard. A crush maybe, or even an infatuation. But LOVE? i just don't feel it anymore. And oh no, it's not bcos of wht Zam did to me, it's maybe because of what all my EXs have done to me. Cause after every breakup. i'll cry for awhile.. Be quiet for awhile.. but after that i'll be back to laughing & irritating ppl. So maybe all those hurt that i've kept so long has started to take effect. Hmmm.

People have always told me that i was a deep thinker. Always analyzing.. Always thinking. But these few days, i've started to think even deeper (is dat even possible? haha.). I've started to think about all my previous LOVEs.. my past experience. And i'm beginning to laugh at all those silly moments where i cried like mad to a guy asking him not to leave me. lol.

I'm weird. & i'm proud to admit it. =)

I shall stop all these unneccesary rantings & go to sleep now. Cause i'm scared i'll confuse you readers. lol. Don't worry tho, this is just abit of who i am. One day u'll know more, probably all. Till the next post, Have a great day ahead ppl & keep smiling. =)

Haziq.. Haziq.. I should have known better than to believe that u were much much mature than ur age.
How could i have forgotten what i've gone thru with Haiqal.
Tsk.tsk.
U really deceived me boy..

Here i was thinking that i wanna wait for you.. Wanna prove to you dat NOT ALL THE GIRLS ARE THE SAME.. But there u go proving to me THAT MOST GUYS ARE THE SAME.

You think i would never found out bout Syasha huh? SG is a small place boy.. And believe it or not, u guys suck at trying to hide things. We girls do it way way better than u guys.
And yes, i've found out what u've said to her, bout u asking her to wait for you and all those shits. So yeah.. I already know.
Don't worry boy.. I'm gonna be ok without u.. like i always do. The hurt is obviously unavoidable, but knowing me.. You know i won't show it.

You have her waiting for you now don't you? So why do you still keep asking Fam & Friends to call me up to visit you?
Tell them the truth Haziq.
Let them know what's going on now.
You chose it, so stick with it.
Don't go around saying u didn't mean anything.
Cause seriously right now, i won't believe a shit you say anymore.
I know u can't read this right now, cause obviously you're inside.
But let ur friends see.
Let them know what's happening & the reason y i never visit u anymore.
Let them know.
Take care Haziq.

-------------------------------------------------------



He looked like the typical "MATREPS" on the streets. But a conversation with him would definitely catch you off guard.. It's normal for you to judge a person by their looks., but his intellect is what caught me by surprise. Who am i talking about? Certainly not Haziq or Zam.
He's a new friend. Someone called Yat. And he's extremely nice. =) Or am i judging him too early? lol.
We shall see. But so far, he left a very good impression on my mind. And let's hope he doesn't do anything to change that impression.
Weird thing is, I'm starting to miss him. Bahh!
I'm as fickle-minded as u can get.
But hey, like they always say...
Live life HAPPY.
No use u wallowing what has been done, no use u crying over spilt milk.
=)

Sometimes you can't help saying and doing things differently. Yes, at times you said u can't love anymore.. And u don't want to fall in love again.
But it seems you Heart always disagrees with what you say. It's as if ur heart has a mind of it's own.
You can't help but fall in love again, even after ur greatest love left u. You can't help missing another even though your heart is still in pieces.
This is LOVE. You hate it, You want it. You yearn for it. But when u have it, you don't know what to do with it.

& no.. It's not being hypocritical.. Cause ur feelings & mind can't both be controlled together. It's either you love or u don't. But then again, most of the time.. U love. Only dat u're much much cautious about it.

So be happy, Fall in love. This is the way life goes. And be proud you could fall n love den never ever having a chance to fall in love. =)


I miss somebody. & it's neither Zam nor Haziq.
Guess who?!
=)

It hurts knowing the person you love is now loving someone else. It really hurts.
I don't know whether he's doing it to spite me or if he's really in love. But if he is really in love, then all i can say is i'm happy for you Zam. and i wish u all the best.

It seriously hurts like fuck now. Cause thinking bout him with another girl is just making my mind go insane. All i could do is think of him, talk about him, look at his pictures.
I seriously don't know what is wrong with me.
One moment i'll be laughing away, and suddenly i will be very silent and think about him. I've begun searching for new jobs. Cause the best way to forget him is to get as far away from him. Even if it means leaving the job i love so much, and leaving my ZOUK family. I have to, for my own best.

I HATE MYSELF for being weak.
I HATE MYSELF for not letting go.
I HATE MYSELF for loving you.
=_(

The song "BE WITHOUT YOU" & "NO MORE DRAMA" by Mary J.Blige is really what i'm feeling right now.
Even though it was a short relationship with me & Zam, but he meant so much to me. I am not too sure myself why i loved him so much when we didn't even last that long. The feelings i had for him weren't fake. They were true. And for someone like me to love someone so true is just so damn hard. I look thru his pictures everyday. I check his profiles everyday. Just to see his face. And everytime i do so, tears will fall. But i just can't help it. No matter how i tried to stop myself from seeing his pictures, i will still go and click on them. Seeing his pictures made me remember all those sweet moments together. All those fun times we had. And it also made me remember that WE are no longer together.

Oh gosh. Tears are falling as i'm typing this.. Cause i miss him so. And it's tearing me apart..
I don't feel like going to work. It's torturing to know that i'll be seeing his face and sense his presence. I feel like killing myself this instance. So my heart will stop beating and stop hurting. Cause it's tearing me bit by bit.. And this pain is intolerable.


"Oh GOD, help me stop these tears. Take away this pain. It's hurting so much. Till i'm living my life in sorrow. Help me GOD.. Help me find my happiness again. Help me forget him, the 1 i loved so much. Help me stop crying. Why oh why.. Why did he mean so much to me? Why is it so hard to let him go? Why is he in my mind every single day, every single minute? Help me god. I can't bear this pain. It's hurting so much i feel like dying. =_("

So u've been a silent reader all these while huh Zam? And u only read bout me saying "I HATE YOU"? How bout the part where i wrote bout how much i loved u? About how i wanted to make u my HUSBAND? about how i couldn't forget you? Did u read all that?

Yes, i did write i hated you.. cos i was sad.. i was angry.. I was angry u had moved on n left me waiting for you.. I was pissed dat u lied to me. I was angry cause i couldn't be with you anymore.
Do you know how every nite i go to sleep listening to "ALWAYS BE MY BABY" over and over again? Do you know dat every nite i cry myself to sleep thinking bout u, wishing u were here with me? Do you know all that?

Zam, u stole my heart.. You meant the world to me. I loved you much more that i loved that idiot.. And all i could do is think of u. But u nvr tot of dat.. Just because i wrote down i hate u, u said i was being hypocritical? It was all written in a moment of anger. In a moment when i felt i was betrayed.So pls understand.


No matter how i try, i still keep thinking about u. I still keep wishing that we were back together again. But it seems that u have moved on with ur life. It seems that u've replaced me. And all i can do now is just cry myself to sleep,keeping this hurt all to myself. I am no longer the "TAZZY" ppl once knew. Cause i'm now hung up over u. And it's gonna take a long time for me to forget u. I wish i knew how to forget u.. But a part of me doesn't want to let u go.. Cause it's like forgetting who i am.


---------------------------------------------------------------

I just got back from the hospital after spending 1 whole day in the ICU. A manager from work was caught in an accident and is now in critical condition. Even though i not that close to him, but i still felt the pinch. Cause he was a good man. And he really didn't deserve to have this happen to him. I'm going back down der 2moro after work. And i'm hoping and praying that his condition will be much better 2moro.
Haiz.


SAM SAIMON, I'm here praying for your fast recovery. I'm here praying that u'll wake up soon and see how many ppl still care about u. Wake up pls. And get up and about, & start disturbing me again. It was only a few days ago that we laughed together caused u called me "MOMOK".
Get well soon. Pls. We, ZOUK, need you back. Pls.

That's it. Now he has really given me a perfect reason to move on. He fucking already has a gf and he still doesn't want me to move on! WTF?! OMG... I am so out of words.. I just don' tknow what else to say.. LEt me continue this again later. Cause i nd to go to the hosp now.
A manager at work just got into an accident.. And all Zouk staffs are going der.
For now, I FUCKING HATE YOU ZAMMM!

DO u know how painful it is everytime someone says "Ey, ur bf crazy isit?"..
Them saying dat u're still my bf hurts so much.. And to make things worse, baby girl has been asking alot about u. always asking, "Mane daddy?" , "Daddy tknk dtg lagi ke?"..
It hurts real bad.. And each & every time all i can do is smile and walk away.. I don't have the heart to say that we're no longer together.. Cause u're very much still alive in my heart.

Zam, if u're reading dis.. I hope u realise how true my feelings are for u. I've never cheated on u b4.. And i never tot of leaving u.. But i had to do it.. Cause u just hurt me so damn much..

Sometimes it's a mystery how u can love the person that hurts u the most. You know u should be hating them, but all u do is fall in love deeper n deeper with them.. Weird ain't it? Haiz.
Zam.. zam.. Why do i love u so much when all u ever did was make me cry? Why do i still hold on to u when i know u're not gonna change anytime soon? Why do i still harbour the thoughts of us getting back together when i know that it's impossible? Why? Why? Why?

I'm really out of words.. Cause i just can't find the words to say it all. I just hope u can help me..
Help me to let u go. Help me to forget u.. Cause living my life with this EMPTY feeling is just really dreadful.

I don't have the mood to do anything nowadays.
Smiling and laughing just seems so fake right now. Each time i try to crack a joke or laugh, i'll end up stopping in the middle of laughters. Haiz.
Going to work seems like a routine for me... I used to look forward going to work, but now it's just dragging myself just for the sake of working.
I'm not too sure what's happening to myself..
Maybe my depression is back.. Cause i'm seriously feeling very depressed right now..
But hey, it's got nothing to do with Zam. Cause i've already started to forget about him.. And dat shud be a good thing right?
But it seems dat i'm sinking deeper and deeper into my depression state.
Haiz. I feel so empty inside me. Like i'm missing something. Only i don't know what it is.

I hate this feeling. This feeling of NUMB-ness. I hate it so much. =_(

One after the other. When will this hurt ever stop?
First it was Zam. Then now it's Haziq.
When i thought i could try to love another, he had to go away. Haiz.

Work has been tougher and tougher these days. I don't know why but i keep thinking of Zam every now and then. I've been keeping a lookout for him. Trying to catch a glimpse of him. Every time the clock turned 10.30.. i would be waiting anxiously. i would give all sorts of reasons to go down.. to go to nite spot.. to just see him. Why is it so hard for me to forget him? To let him go?
when he and me didn't even last that long...
Everyday at work, i smile.. i laugh.. just to forget him. But it seems so hard to do. Cause every single minute is spent tinking about him.tinking about all the fun stuffs we did together.. thinking about how he would come up to my work station and hug me from behind. All those things.. all those memories.. Just keep playing again and again in my mind.

Oh yah. Who is Haziq? He's dis 17 yr old guy i knew long ago. But since i broke up with Zam, i got closer to him. Closer in a sense that he was my crying shoulder. He was the one who could be ther for me at 4-5 am in the morning. But nw he's gone...
Haiz.

Maybe i'm not supposed to love at all. Cause everytime i start to love.. dey will go away from me.
Haiz.
I'm too depress to do anything. And it's gonna take it's toll soon. REAL SOON. =_(

Letting go sure isn't easy when u see him everyday. And also when u've given all ur heart to him. Every moment at work is spent wanting to see his face, feel his touch, hear his voice. But when u do see him, tears start flowing, cause den u realise that u and him are no longer together.

And dat is how i feel every day at work. Yes, i laugh and i joke ard. I try to act as if none of this is affecting me, but it is so damn hard when most ppl at work still thinks dat he & me are together and they keep asking about "US". Each and everytime someone asks,all i can do is smile & walk away in tears. I still don't know why i'm still holding on to him. To the option of us ever getting back together. I know it's just wishful thinking on my part, but sometimes i find the urge to just go up to him and ask him if we could get back together. But then again, i've already promised myself.. That i will never take him back till he changes.. and dat is one fact which i know will nvr happen.
These past few days, he has started talking to me.. And it makes things much harder. All i can do is just look at him and walk away. I want to stay and talk to him but i can't.. cause tears have start rolling down my cheeks. Cause it just hurts so much.. Hurts so much when reality sinks in.

For those who knows, sometimes they ask me.. How i can manage to still smile and laugh when it's hurting inside. All i can say is, "Why give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry? Why give him the satisfaction of knowing that i can't love another the way i love him?"

I guess this is ME. I am known for keeping my feelings bottled up and nvr showing it to anyone. Yes at times i can't hold back the tears, but most of the time, i try my very best.
As for him, he knows i'm hurting. He knows i'm yearning. But it is from him too that i learn to hide it all. Cause he was the one who showed to me that it didn't affect him. That he didn't care. He's the type that is good at hurting and lying to oneself.Cause i remember him telling me before, that he would be broken if i ever left him, but he won't show it. And i guess it's true. Cause yest, i talked to him. And surprisingly, he admitted. Admitted to the fact that he still loves me.. that he keeps looking at my pictures everyday.& that the's still wishing we could be one again.

A bit relieved when he said dat, but that still doesn't change the fact that he & me are no longer together. And it hurts. I don't know when i'll be better. When this hurt will end. I just wish things were different... then again.. NO USE REGRETTING OVER WAT HAS HAPPENED.


For now, i'll work my butt off. And act as if everything is ok. Laugh as if nothing is wrong. And smile as if my heart is not broken. Cause that is the only thing i can do to keep myself alive.

One thing i'm confused though... Why do i love him so much? Why do i love him much more than i love Rizal? And for those who knew how i loved Rizal and how painful it was when i broke it off with him... i guess u guys can try to imagine my pain right now. 100 times worse.. 100 times stronger. Cause he replaced Rizal. Cause he stole my heart and never gave it back. =_(