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If you're out to make me hate you, then congrats.. you're doing your job well. Never in my life would i want to hate you or let you go, but your actions & words are making it so much easier to do so. I'm left with a fucking clueless mind to what to do right now. Because either way, i'm on the losing end. You chose to believe words from your friend & dragged me into something which i wasn't involved in. And you caused me to break down & cry again. Boy, tell me what you really want from me. Because having this hurt in my heart is sure as hell not making my life better. I'm sick & tired of going through everyday like as if i'm a freaking zombie. I'm sick & tired of pretending to be all happy when i so damn broken inside. I am not lying when i say i still love you so. But with what you're trying to do, i'm just scared it's all gonna go away.

"What happened to us? What happened to those sweet & happy moments we had? What happened to Hadidi Fadzly & Ziyanah?"

And you had to shout at me just because you & someone else have a conflict? Just because i wrote something in my blog about what i'm feeling?
Aey dude, 1st & foremost.. you yourself said this is MY BLOG. And i have every rights to write whatever i'm feeling or thinking. So why the big hoo-hah about it?
And to those people out there who are being such a pain in the ass, always reading my blog & passing the wrong msgs to him, what the heck do you want from me huh? What is your motive doing all this huh? To make him hate me more? To make him curse & shout at me? Why? What did i ever do so wrong to you people till you had to treat me this way huh? This problem is between you & someone else, and you had to go dragging me along?! When are you gonna stop making me & him drift further apart huh? You want happiness for your friend but can't you see that all you're doing is inflicting more hurt & pain in him? Why? Oh god why.. Why can't you stop making things worse?

I'm already hurting so badly, losing him & losing my grandmother and now you had to go make it much much worse. I don't deserve this. I really don't. But since you think by making him hate me more, will do him justice..then go ahead. Cause maybe i was right all along.

I do not know what the hell is happening around me right now. But it seems to have come to a point, that a fucking person is yakking his mouth away without caring about the damage he's doing. And he sure is doing a fine job at it too. Oh, it's not Didy i'm talking about, but some overly insensitive jerk who has no care of any one's feeling. Sometimes i wonder, if he was the cause of this all. To think back, he once almost made me & Didy fight.

Somehow or someway, i know senses have been knocked back into me, making me realise it's all over. That it is never gonna get better, but why is there still, this small little hope in me that still ,wants to believe he's gonna come back to me? And i swear to god, i really really hate this feeling.
I've been getting signs from everywhere telling me that it's time to let go,telling me that it's not worth it.. but whenever he calls me.. whenever he opens that doorway of hope slightly, it'll just make me forget about all the signs i've received. And once again, i'll be the one hurting when in the end i realise that it was all too good to be true.
But right now, things have gotten themselves too messed up beyond recognition. Things have gone way past that line of no return. And i have to take it in my stride, take it in me, to realise that it was all a thing of the past. BUT WHY CAN'T THIS FUCKING HEART LET GO?! Why am i still having this hope that he'll come back?

I am in no position to think about all this anymore. My mind is too messed up. My feelings downright crushed. & to have this thing happening & adding up to my stress.. i'm really not sure how long i can keep this facade up. It's starting to be a drag, trying to make myself look happy when all i fucking want to do is cry & never wake up.

I'll just give it a little more time. And hope that maybe one day, lightning will strike me hard.. so that i'll finally realise what a fool i've been. or better yet, take my life away.

Just as i thought that things were about to pick themselves up & get better, it all came crashing down again. At 7.22am ,21st October 2009, my grandma gave away her last breathe. My grandma who has been the person who looked after us ever since we were born.

First i had to lose him, the person who i loved truly & deeply, & now this.. I do not want to sound selfish because at the same time i am glad God has took away her life, so she won't suffer anymore. But what truly breaks me apart is seeing my grandpa. He keeps saying why god never took him instead of her. Why she left him just like that..
And yet again, my heart was broken.. All because i thought he would be there for me on this day. But again, he broke me into pieces & left me just like that.. without any words.

My eyes are swollen, i can't stop crying. I've got no voice,neither any appetite. I do not know what else to do, but to just stare into the blind space & imagine life was just like before.

I do know if I'll ever be alright, because the impact of losing 2 people you love dearly is just too damn strong. And i am but,just a lifeless doll right now.. Waiting for my puppeteer to come tug at my strings.


Semoga ALLAH S.W.T mencucuri roh arwah nenek ku. Selamat tinggal nenek. Yana selalu sayang nenek. =_(

I swear my heart was about to explode when i saw his picture popped up on my hp screen. For that moment in time, i thought i was dreaming.. And when it kept ringing, i realised it was all real. I picked it up only to be stuttering upon hearing his voice. That voice which i so adore, which i was longing to hear all these while.

It felt good hearing his voice. I didn't know if i wanted to cry or smile. The sound of his voice still worrying over me, gave me a glimpse of the hope i was searching for. But the moment when he started avoiding that question, i know it was all too good to be true. It was just a simple teasing question, asking him if he was in contact with anyone.. and the way he avoided it made me realise.. that i'm losing him by the moment. It is sad to say that i did feel hurt & it made my tear flow again.. because when he asked me if i was in contact with anyone, i answered it with swift precision. But when it came to him, he started to avoid. And yet, this morning again.. he avoided that question. How hard could it be for him to tell me the truth if he was already in contact with another person? What? He was scared to hurt me again? I swear to god, nothing else in this could hurt me more than what just happened a week ago. *sighs*

I'm left with no choice yet again, but to just wait. Wait & wait & wait & wait.

This is BY FAR the longest i've gone without seeing him. My heart still feels the pain from that awful day.

How am i doing? I guess i'm coping well. But there will be times when i still wished we were still together.. There will be times when i'll start thinking of him & cry again. I'm not as certain to where i'm leading my life to. I've felt the need to club & drink again, but i'll let it go as soon as i thought about it. I kept my promise to him, to not drink & club no more but sometimes i wonder.. Is it still worth it for me to keep my promises to him when he has broken his? I'm even wondering, will there ever be us again? It is sad to say, but at times.. i wished i never knew him at all. I mean, i gave him my all, my everything and in return i only got hurt. So isit selfish of me to think that way? I couldn't care less what other people say about me, but hearing what they say about him. Hearing how they say how well he has moved on, just leaves me more broken. Broken to think that he, was the one i thought was the perfect guy. I still do love him & yes, i am still hoping he will return. But as the clock ticks, i wonder if he thinks the same way too? I wonder if he ever thinks of me anymore? Or has he really moved on..

Ok. Short post k.
I just got back from work about 30 mins ago & i will be returning to work in 2-3 hours time. ALL OUT KAPE!! Hahaha. It's been long since i've worked this long & sumpah tk biasa. =)
Where am i working? You'll know soon enough k.

On my love life? Still single. And yes it's still hurting like fcuk. Only that, something happened a few days ago & it made think really hard. Maybe it was his way of letting me down easy or his way of telling me he's over me, but all he said was, he still loves me but he just wanna enjoy life right now. What does it means? Beats me. Even i am clueless myself.. Only he has the answer to it. And yes, it made me think so damn hard.. with a million questions popping in & out of my mind. And i guess it will remain unanswered for now.
I still miss him though. & i still love him so. And this hurt will never ever go away. But what else am i to do.. Just wait.

I guess that's about all. Update again soon k. Now i wanna go sleep skejap! BYE! =D

I thought that time will heal all wounds? But how come it gets worse & worse every single day? How come it seems to get tougher to go through each day? I don't know how long i can take this anymore. I don't know how long i can keep doing this.

Every single day, all i do is just want to sleep. With sleeping pills by my side, it seems like it's my only friend right now. Every single time i open my eyes, all i see is his face, his smile. And to stop the tears from coming, i keep popping those pills to get me back to my dreams.

Tell me you'll take me back. Tell me you'll love me again. Tell me you want me. Take me back into your arms, where i feel safe. Where i feel loved. Baby,how much longer are you going to torture me like this? Baby, i'm sorry. But i don't think i can't take this any longer.

If this a test from him to know how strong my love is.. Then it shall be.
If this is a reality from him to know that i've lost.. Then it shall be.

I know i've got to be strong. I know i've got pick up the pieces & carry on with life. But this heart won't allow me to. It wants me to wait, wait & see what the great one above has in store for me. Oh yes, it hurts so much. & will keep on hurting.. And it seems that all i want to do now, is just sleep & never wake up. Because right now,my dreams are much better then reality. & to just grant me the satisfaction of my dreams is great enough.
I don't know how long it'll take, for me to let go, to get back to reality. And i don't know how long it'll take for me to feel my heart again. But what i know is, i'm thankful that i had a chance to feel his love.
I'm thankful that, at the very least, that he was once mine.

For now, just leave me be. Let me crawl back to bed, forcing sleep to come. Let me be, with all these tears.Let me live in my dream world, where everything is fine. Where i'm his arms again. Where we're happily together, with not a care in this world. Where my past keeps playing in my mind. Where Hadidi Fadzly & Ziyanah are together, FOREVER.

I feel so weak. My body is not functioning properly. Everything seems to be crashing down. I don't talk, i don't do anything. All i keep doing is check my hp every single second, just to see if he msgs. The urge to msg him is so strong, but all i can do is be patient and wait. This is only the beginning & i'm hurting so much. I don't know if i'm strong enough to take it any longer.
But i'll try. I have to do it. Because in my heart, i know it will all be better some day.

Sometimes i wonder.. why do we humans, always say one thing but always do a different thing the next. We as humans, always make mistakes.. we always err in our ways. But why is it so hard for people to remember all those good points just because of one bad point? And suddenly all those things you thought were never an issue, suddenly became one.


Baby, i know you won't be reading this, but this all is not for you. This is just for me to answer my own questions. My own doubts. And if, in any way, this would hurt or whatsoever.. Then i'm sorry.


We all are great hypocrites who are in total denial. We say things, wanting to do this, do that.. But when it does happen, we try to back out from it, knowing it was already too late. And we start to try and make things right, then we will start regretting.. start saying, we shouldn't have done this, done that.

I am one of those such person. Because before he told me he wanted to leave, i was the one who kept insisting on leaving him, on giving him his freedom. But when it came out from him, i felt like i was being skinned alive. I felt like it was the end of the world. But if i were to think about it, wasn't that what i wanted all along? Wasn't that what i had been doing all this time? And it made me smile, thinking how foolish i was. How foolish i was to have behaved that way, begging him to not let me go only to receive insults in return..

No, i do not regret crying for him.. because he is still my greatest gift in life. He is still the guy i want to live my future with. He is still the one i adore, no matter how much he tries to make me hate him with all the insults. Oh yes, it hurts like hell when you receive insults like that from the person you love, but i too, am not an innocent one in this game. I did hurl vulgarities at him, to which he said was the turning point for all this. To which he lost his love for me. But one always does something for a reason. And my reason was because he never replied my msgs. To which, cause my moment of anger & the outburst. To which made us end.

I do not know why i do not believe in giving time as an excuse to get better anymore. Because as far as i can recall, i was one who used to want to give time each & every time i was in an argument. But with him, i didn't dare to take the risk. I didn't dare to take the chance of giving time, for fear of losing him. Yes, it was my fault for not trying to listen to him, because like he said.. i should have known him better. But if he had tried to put himself in my position for just 1 second. Then maybe, just maybe, he could have seen how big my fear is. Yet again, he should have known me better too, as he had continuously said earlier today. Knowing my paranoia, knowing my fear of losing him. But all he could say was, yes he did knew me, but how come all that came out from his mouth was all about my bad qualities & not good?
I do not want to provoke him any further, because i know it will all come to a very bitter result. So pls, if any of you who are reading this, do not go around telling him stories that i was condemning him. I am here merely just letting my thoughts out and answering my own questions.

I sometimes wonder, why people tend to bring out issues they never had in the first place into the story, every time an argument erupts? I mean, all these while, everything was ok, was beautiful.. but when you argue.. you tend to say things that your partner never thought mattered in the first place. And sometimes, when you feel like you should fight for your right.. you just kept quiet. Because you know, it's only going to make the matter worse. I laugh at myself sometimes, realising that me & him.. we think absolutely alike. How is it that when he starts to get angry, then will i know how to shut up & give him time when in the first place that was all he ever asked me for. And i know i will never find the answer anywhere.

We human make mistakes, and i am but a human myself. My mistakes may seem so small to me, but i wouldn't know how the other party feels. And greatly, i do feel that it is my fault for pushing him to the edge. But he too, must be a man and accept his mistakes. He too must know not to say of others, when he is at fault himself.

The comfort you have in thinking that, that person will never leave you is the silliest way to handle a situation. And i admit, i was too used to him never wanting to leave that i did not foresee such things to happen. Till i broke down and realised.. that it was too late.

Baby please.. Do not do this to me. Please.. Can't we please talk things out? I know i made mistakes but i'm still human. And human make mistakes. Please.. I promise i won't make those mistakes again, but please.. don't leave me. You know i can't live without you. You know i need you. Please papa.. I'm begging you. Do not leave me crushed here alone. I need you.

Remember our plans for the future? Remember what we wanted to name our baby? Please.. Do not throw this beautiful thing we had, away. You always said that we are forever, but why this papa? Why did we have to come to this? Remember what we wanted to do for our wedding? Remember those times when we snuggled up in bed,feeling perfect? How could you throw it all away?

Papa, I'm begging you. Do not leave me hanging when you've already lifted me up high. Please.

How do i live every day knowing you don't love me anymore?
How do i live every hour knowing it will never be anymore?
How do i live every minute knowing you are no longer mine?
How do i live every second knowing, our love has come tumbling down?

I never thought, that you would say those words to me. You promised to love me more each & every single day. But yet here you are now, saying your love for me has decreased. What did i do so damn wrong till i lost you this fast? What did i say so damn wrong till you no longer love me like before?

I do not want to go pin-pointing, but if to think back.. I did nothing wrong except get angry because you acted like you don't care when i was sick. But was that such a big sin to do?
You were moody the whole day, & i left you alone for you to cool down.
You said you were going down to hang, when i was looking forward to talk to you on the phone, but i kept quiet.
I was in pain the entire night, wanting to whine to you, but i kept quiet because i didn't want to disturb your space.
I went to sleep crying when, after i told you i was sick, and all you had to say was "I don't know what to do".
I woke up in tears, looking for you, expecting at least a msg asking me how i was from you.. but only to find nothing.
And when i got emotional and angry, you turned it all back on me. You could wake up to eat, but you couldn't find at least 2 minutes to msg me? And now, it has all become my fault.

I am not here to point out yours or my mistake. But i'm just wondering where did i go so wrong till you don't feel the love for me anymore? I was there for you when you were sick, when you needed me. I was there for you each & every single time. But when all i wanted were some comforting words, you turned your back on me. And now, i'm left with nothing but an empty heart. I'm trying so hard to give you time, but i fear that you'll stop loving me in time to come. I'm trying so hard to stop this tears from flowing, but everything i do reminds me of you. What happened to the promises we made? What happened to the love we had?

Baby, you promised me the world only to take it back & leave me crashing down.
Baby, you meant the universe to me but you left me hanging on a thread.
Baby, i've loved you like no other but was only returned with you loving me whole-heartedly
Baby, i'm dying. Each and every single waking moment of my life. And it hurts so bad.

How long are you going to pretend that everything is ok? How long are you going to ignore the fact that we are hanging on edge? Huh? How long?
Each & everytime i msg you, all you do is keep quiet. And the next thing i know you will say you was asleep. Bullshit. How much longer are you going to keep lying to yourself and me huh? You are not the guy i fell in love with. You are not the guy who i saw as my future husband. You have just turned into another one of them. Those insensitive jerks.

Was it my fault for keeping silent with the pain just so you could have your space? Was it my fault for waking up crying, looking for you, needing you? Was it my fault when i wake up to at least see a msg from asking how i was? Was it my fault that i got pissed and disappointed when there was none? Was it? huh? And now this. You act like as if nothing happened between us! Do you know how much i'm hurting? Do you know how much i'm going through these days? Wait.. In the first place, do you even care?
Oh yes. Thank you for lying to me too. Fancy you msging me at 9am, saying you just woke up when the fact was you were still up at 4.30am adding people in myspace. Thanks dude. And guess what, that miss cal from me? Wasn't just to talk.. I had a huge fight & i needed you. But hey, once again.. you've proved yourself to be the selfish guy that you are.

First you said you needed space. And i kept myself quiet,even though i was hurting so bad. I need you so bad, but because you said you needed space, i kept all the pain to myself. I didn't have anyone to go to. I wanted only you, but you were too busy with your "space".
Then, when i told you i was in pain.. all you could say was you don't know what to do. How heartless can you get boy? You could have comforted me, you could have given me support. But noooo. Your space was much much more important than me, wasn't it? I tried to understand you, tried to gave you everything you wanted.. But this is what i get in return? You didn't even bother to msg me asking me how i was! You didn't even care! Stop saying you do care when you're not doing any single thing. Stop saying you care just because you don't know what to do. Countless of times, I've told you again and again. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired of always being the one to make things better. How could you still do this to me, when you know i needed you badly? This time, you broke my heart real bad. This time, i don't know if i can forgive you anymore.

Maybe since you want your space so much, then go ahead. Have all your space & time you want. I will not disturb you anymore. I guess you'll never change huh? Cause i know you will still be quiet after that msg. And i know you'll only say that you wanna give me time to cool down. I've had enough baby. And forgive me if i walk away & never turn back. Cause this hurts worse then being cheated on.

On the other hand, I am quite pissed off with these ladies of mine. I just don't know what else to say to you people. This 10th symbolises a very very important day for ALL of us, where we FINALLY get to meet again after such a long time. Yes, a certain few has been too overly sensitive over the issue of you guys working & going all quiet on us. And yes, i do agree that, that person has maybe gone overboard with her words. But please, why make things worst? You people keep digressing about the fact that you guys understand each other when the truth is you don't know a single shit about each other. And yet there you go, EACH & EVERY SINGLE TIME, condemning the other, saying that she only says she understands when she obviously doesn't. But stop & take a look at yourself too. You proclaim to know that person but yet you bring her down saying she shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have done that. WHEN IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU KNOW THAT SHE IS FUCKING SENSITIVE! Urgh. Sumpah some of you really do get on my nerves sometimes. I am trying my very best to make everyone get along but some of you just have to go & make things worse don't you? And NO. I do not condone to what that person has written on her blog. In fact, i have made it clear to her that what she wrote down was wrong. But pleaseeeeee! I'm begging ALL of you. BEGGINGGGG!! Please.. please.. do not break my heart like this. I am sooo looking forward to this 10th, but with the way things are going. Forgive me if i may have to cancel it. Cause i positively do not want to go out with some of you having issues with one another. Haiz.
I'm just saying.. These things happen ALL the time, and yes we get hurt with the words each other say. But please.. do not claim to know the other when you obviously don't. Cause I'm tired of trying & crying just to make things right. These are things we go through.. to make our bond strong. But if such a small thing can cause such a BIG tiff, then forget it. I was better of with my hp switched off pretending you girls didn't exist. Cause guess what, it hurt less forgetting what i have to go through each day to get you people to come to your senses.
We all have flaws. And that is one of the things that make us truly understand. But if you can't accept that person for their flaw, then stop. Stop all these hurting words you girls throw at each other. Cause it breaks my heart seeing the people i love fight against one another.

Get this right. It's either you fix this thing between yourselves or the 10th is cancel! I'm tired of bawling my eyes out for all of you when it wasn't even my fight to begin with.


* I pray to the one above that he strengthens our bond. I pray to the one above to make you all see that you're only gonna hurt yourselves in the end.
=_(