I don't know why, but everytime we fight, all i can feel is sadness. No hurt nor angst. Just 100% pure sadness.
Sad at what we have become.
Sad at how stupid we are, for arguing over small matters.
Sad at how we're drifting further & further apart, with each quarrels.

What happened to us?
What happened to you?
What happened to me?
I've said it a million times that i can't take it anymore, & yes. I seriously can't. All i did was try to change, to accommodate to your feelings & happiness. And what did i get back in return? you, getting pissed at me for simply trying to change.

But why can't you see? The change is for you, is what you wanted. But now, it has turned around making it my fault. Wasn't this what you wanted? Wasn't this what you wished for? So baby, why are you getting agitated about it?

I'm at a lost as how to handle this situation. Should i just keep quiet? Or should i retaliate? Either way, i'll still be on the losing end, wouldn't i?
What if i retaliate? The worst that could happen is that we're only gonna argue more & its gonna get worse.
But what i kept quiet? You will only be coming back, attacking me with the same attitude.

So tell me baby. Tell me what i should do now. Cause i really don't know what to do anymore.
=_(

I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't breathe. Every single thing is starting to fall apart. Starting to drift away. I can't feel anything anymore. No more love. No more care. No more ANYTHING. I'm too lost in this whirling pool of emotions that is overwhelming me by the minute. & i don't know what to do anymore.

I'm being broken bit by bit by my own emotions & there seems to be nothing i can do about it, to make it better.

One year later & where are we? I'm sorry but i've got to say this.
NO WHERE.

I'm not pushing or begging. But what exactly happened here? I seriously have no fuckin clue. I'm just too lost, trying to think straight, trying to get those dark clouds outta my head.

I'm breaking down, bit by bit. It's getting a lil too much. A little more than a little too much. & i'm terrified.

I can't go on like this. Wishing for the dead to be alive, wishing it was all just a dream. Cause no matter where i turn, it keeps hitting me in the head, telling me to wake up. To open up my eyes & see what's going on. I am seriously losing my mind.

Something has got me thinking. That maybe, i fell for you too fast. Because in the first place, you never really wanted me in the first place. So why am i so sure that you're not still thinking that way.

Oh fuck it. I'm getting way too over my head. In need of those sleeping pills to get me to sleep & to get this bloody thoughts out of my head.

It's his birthday today. A day i've been looking forward to, wanting to make him happy. Wanting to be with him throughout it all.

But where are we now? Apart & fighting. Sms-ing one another like complete strangers. & how it's killing me so much. I've been trying to fight back these tears badly. But every time i glance at my phone & see nothing, i can't stop but think that he doesn't care anymore. & at times like this, i wish that someone was still alive. At least he'll still be here, holding me in his arms, telling me to be strong. Telling me that if this is what i wanted, then i should be strong.
But here i am, all alone. With no one at home. With no one to let this sadness out.

"Why did you have to go?? Why did you have to leave me here all alone, fending for myself? Didn't you promise that you would be here for me every single minute, every single time i needed you? What happen? Why did you have to leave me here alone, crying, wishing you were still alive.. "

How many times do we have to go through this? Over & over again, it's all about the same thing. & it just seems that you still don't understand why i feel this way. So tell me again, where are going? Why are we still trying?? I thought this would all be over, but since to you it's nothing wrong, you keep doing it over & over again. I really don't know what to say to you anymore. Or what to do to make this relationship work.

I just wished you were still here Afiq. =_(