Something is wrong. So terribly wrong. & to make things worse, i have no idea what is it about.
So right now, i'm left hanging. Not knowing what it is. Not knowing what to do about it.
I tried to sleep. Didn't work. Tried to keep my mind occupied. Didn't work too. So now what am i to do to forget about it. I have no fucking idea. & this stupid feeling is making my mood all wrong. It's making me pissed at every little thing. It's making me sad at every smallest thing.

& to top it off, the boy has decided to go fulfilling my doubts. Wtf. Might as well just stab me in the heart with a knife and get it over & done with.
What the heck. I'm seriously not in the mood right now. Fuck it.

Why do you always say you're alright, when it's obvious you're not?
Why do you say you're fine with it, when it's obvious that you're not?
And then, there you'll go with the one-word replies & then what? I end up being the one trying to console you asking you what's wrong & the argument will just go on and on and on and on , won't it?

Please..
All i'm just asking is for you to stop saying it's ok, if you're only gonna torture me with the aftermath. If you said it's ok, then mean what you say. Don't act so cold to me, giving me one-word replies, making me wait for you replies.
Please. That's all i'm asking.
If it's not ok, say IT'S NOT OK. If it is, then mean it.

It has always come to a point when, everything was fine, was going good and then suddenly, somewhere, somehow things start to fall apart again. Life has to always be this cruel, doesn't it?Life has to always be the one to come knocking you off your feet, to make you realise that this wasn't the way things should be. That you should always be on your guard no matter what.

So tell me now, where & when does this all stop? The day we got our hearts really broken? The day we breath our last & leave this earth? When? Because right now, i really do not know till when i can endure all this pain . Till when i can keep all this within me.

I did not plan to keep all this from him. To keep all this pain, hurt & disappointment from him. But what else can i do? I've hurt him enough & if i am to keep my promise, to want to see him happy, then this is what i should do? Or shouldn't i?
I'm at a lost right now. Not knowing what to do. Whether i should just keep it all bottled up or just let it all out.
The fear of me destroying this love, if i let it all out, is too great for me to even imagine. But on the other hand, how much longer can i keep it all inside of me, without destroying myself? All i can do right now is pray to my lil angel up above to help me through this hard, dark days.

Ever had the feeling that your whole world
is crashing down on you & all you wanted to do is curl up in bed,
cry your heart out & never wake up?
Where all you wanted was to be in the arms of the people you love?

It's true, i have not been myself lately. Depression spells keep coming & going, coming & going. And i know it's affecting my man somewhere, somehow.
There he is, worried sick that i'll walk away from him when the truth is, i am the one worried that he'll walk away from me if i continue being this way.

I've been feeling a whole of confusion these days. From wanting to leave him so that he can be happy without all this drama.
To wanting to be a bitch & stop him from doing all these things.
To wanting to go MIA from him, just like that.
But i just can't bring myself to do it. I can't.
It hurts too much to know that i will only be hurting him more if i do such.
It hurts too much to even imagine what my life would be without him in my life.
I just couldn't bear to lose the man i love so much who means more than those other guys i've been with.
And it's killing me by the moment, trying to figure out how to make things better again, how to make things like how it used to be. When it was only "Tazzy & Apiz" & no one else. =_(



These days, i feel like i'm being scrutinised for every single thing i do. At work, at home, even when i'm with him. I'm trying so hard to please everyone, that i'm starting to think that i forgot all about myself. But hey, not everything is about me isn't it? So if this is where i have to be to see the people i love happy, then i am willing to sacrifice what big or little things i have.

But right now, all i want to do is just curl up in bed, cry my heart out & just wished i never wake up.