Sometimes i wonder.. why do we humans, always say one thing but always do a different thing the next. We as humans, always make mistakes.. we always err in our ways. But why is it so hard for people to remember all those good points just because of one bad point? And suddenly all those things you thought were never an issue, suddenly became one.


Baby, i know you won't be reading this, but this all is not for you. This is just for me to answer my own questions. My own doubts. And if, in any way, this would hurt or whatsoever.. Then i'm sorry.


We all are great hypocrites who are in total denial. We say things, wanting to do this, do that.. But when it does happen, we try to back out from it, knowing it was already too late. And we start to try and make things right, then we will start regretting.. start saying, we shouldn't have done this, done that.

I am one of those such person. Because before he told me he wanted to leave, i was the one who kept insisting on leaving him, on giving him his freedom. But when it came out from him, i felt like i was being skinned alive. I felt like it was the end of the world. But if i were to think about it, wasn't that what i wanted all along? Wasn't that what i had been doing all this time? And it made me smile, thinking how foolish i was. How foolish i was to have behaved that way, begging him to not let me go only to receive insults in return..

No, i do not regret crying for him.. because he is still my greatest gift in life. He is still the guy i want to live my future with. He is still the one i adore, no matter how much he tries to make me hate him with all the insults. Oh yes, it hurts like hell when you receive insults like that from the person you love, but i too, am not an innocent one in this game. I did hurl vulgarities at him, to which he said was the turning point for all this. To which he lost his love for me. But one always does something for a reason. And my reason was because he never replied my msgs. To which, cause my moment of anger & the outburst. To which made us end.

I do not know why i do not believe in giving time as an excuse to get better anymore. Because as far as i can recall, i was one who used to want to give time each & every time i was in an argument. But with him, i didn't dare to take the risk. I didn't dare to take the chance of giving time, for fear of losing him. Yes, it was my fault for not trying to listen to him, because like he said.. i should have known him better. But if he had tried to put himself in my position for just 1 second. Then maybe, just maybe, he could have seen how big my fear is. Yet again, he should have known me better too, as he had continuously said earlier today. Knowing my paranoia, knowing my fear of losing him. But all he could say was, yes he did knew me, but how come all that came out from his mouth was all about my bad qualities & not good?
I do not want to provoke him any further, because i know it will all come to a very bitter result. So pls, if any of you who are reading this, do not go around telling him stories that i was condemning him. I am here merely just letting my thoughts out and answering my own questions.

I sometimes wonder, why people tend to bring out issues they never had in the first place into the story, every time an argument erupts? I mean, all these while, everything was ok, was beautiful.. but when you argue.. you tend to say things that your partner never thought mattered in the first place. And sometimes, when you feel like you should fight for your right.. you just kept quiet. Because you know, it's only going to make the matter worse. I laugh at myself sometimes, realising that me & him.. we think absolutely alike. How is it that when he starts to get angry, then will i know how to shut up & give him time when in the first place that was all he ever asked me for. And i know i will never find the answer anywhere.

We human make mistakes, and i am but a human myself. My mistakes may seem so small to me, but i wouldn't know how the other party feels. And greatly, i do feel that it is my fault for pushing him to the edge. But he too, must be a man and accept his mistakes. He too must know not to say of others, when he is at fault himself.

The comfort you have in thinking that, that person will never leave you is the silliest way to handle a situation. And i admit, i was too used to him never wanting to leave that i did not foresee such things to happen. Till i broke down and realised.. that it was too late.