I am actually very very high right now. Cause i spent my whole nite drinking with frens. And it seriously is a miracle that i can still writ a proper entry. LOL.

Soooo.. tonight will be the end of 2008 & the start of 2009. And the only thing dat is making me sad is dat i can't spend it with Hubby & the other Zouk staffs. Cause the most memorable thing this yr for me, is having made such great friends & also having found love.

From Firdian, the irritating but nice guy to talk to. He was always the one who liekd to pick a fight with me, but is also always the one who i know i can turn to, to talk to.
Jeremy Lim, the "ah beng". Always with his "trying to act as if he can speak malay" attitude.
Pin & Onn, the hair twins. Always at my beck and call. And always the ones who i can cosy up to.
Alvin & Liting, the best Bar 3 staffs i can ever asked for. Alvin being the one who always said he liked it whenever i was in charge. Liting, my singing partner. She knew my fav song, and i knew hers.
Jack Liau, my dancing partner. Who always pushed me to strive harder. To be the very best. And also 1 of my closest friends there.
Alex, the one who has been taking care of me whenever i was drunk & also one of the few dat likes to bully me.
Lynn, the girl who i barely know for a few months but is one of the closest friends i've made in Zouk. She was always there for me. Always trying to make me smile whenever i was down. And was always playing the matchmaker btwn me & Alfian.
Alfian, someone who i nvr thot would steal my heart. Someone who i tot would only be a fren, nothing more. But here he is now, completely stolen my heart, loving me for my very worst.


I could go on & on and the list wont stop. I want to, but i'm already tearing as i type. So i've got to stop here,for the time being. Cause i have an appt later at 12. And i can no longer afford to put it off any longer. I'll continue my list of gratitude again later. AFTER CELEBRATING NEW YEAR. THAT IS!! =p

I know what you're going through now. What you're feeling. And i know how it's gonna hurt more everytime you see me. Cause everytime you see me, memories of that day will come back haunting and you'll start getting hurt again.
I've been through all this Hubby. I've been through it all. So all i ask from you know, is just to please.. Sit down & think. Really really think whether you're ready to go through the hurt & pain every single time you come face to face with me. Because believe me boy, it's gonna come haunting everytime you see me. And i really really do not want to put you through all that hurt again. Cause what i did, was enough to last a whole lifetime.

No.. i'm not persuading you to back off. I'm only asking you,this time, to put your happiness before mine. Do not think of this as if i'm pushing you away, or that i want to end it all. I just wanna make sure that you're really sure you know what you're gonna go thru. Cause i just can't bear to hurt you anymore. It hurts me seeing you get hurt. Especially by me. So pls Hubby.. Think again. Whatever decision you make, it will be my utmost honour to grant it and make it come true.

The fact that i love you so much is still standing. Cause even when you're not here with me when i need you, you're in my mind every single sec.

I'm officially no longer working in Zouk anymore and it seems that my fucking manager said i was guilty. WTF?! And the best part was.. I only found out i was terminated from colleagues. not from HIM!! Talk about being professional and here he is trying to avoid calling me like as if i'm some kind of loanshark. I called him up, and his voice really sounded shocked to hear my voice. I went straight forward to the point and just asked him bout my pay. And he has asked me to come down to Zouk this Tues to settle everyting. Fuck him. Fuck everything.
I'm not mad or angry because of losing this job.. In fact, i don't even care bout this job. I'm just so fucking sad that i will no longer see those ppl that i've considered as "FAMILY". And the worst part! The fucking manager told the story saying i did take the money. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I am no longer gonna say anything much, cause once people are bent out to ruin you, they will DO ANYTHING just to see u crushed. And it seems that someone has succeded. But what the heck. Not working there anymore doesn't mean i'll die. It just hurts not being able to wake up and look forward to seeing great colleagues at work. It just sucks. And somemore, i won't be able to see Hubby as often. And it fucking kills me right now.


Oh shit. I'm out of alcohol. LOL. Need to go grab moree! BYEE!!
=)

My life is spiralling out of control. & it seems like there's nothing i can do but just sit & watch it destroy itself. One after the other it comes into my life. Making it seems like my luck has really left me hanging. From love life, to career. It all seems to come all at the same time.

First, i almost ended it off with the person i love. Then i was given a warning letter just because of taking mc. And i was later given a verbal warning from my captains because they said i was giving out free drinks to my friends when my friends clearly bought the drinks themselves. Den i got myself into deep shit for kissing an ex in front of hubby. And nowwwww!! I'm a suspect at work for pocketting tips money! WTF!

It just seems that someone is hating me and is trying to ruin my career. I just dnt know what to do anymore. I'm not sad because of what's happening now. I'm just sad that i'll no longer get to work there and be with the people who i consider my family now. It's just breaking my heart.
And what with things with hubby now.. Urgh! Things are just getting from bad to worse. And i'm really on the verge of trying to kill myself. It just hurts so much right now.


Ahhh fuck it. I'm off to get somemore drinks. And i'm gonna get myself wasted. How i wish i won't wake up. =_(

I just got back from sending Baby Girl to school. And i'm gonna continue my sleep right after this post.

I can't wait for later. PGs KARAOKE SESSION!! Minor hiccups but i'll bet it'll all turn out great. Even though i've still gotta work later on because of this stupid underage party. Sucks big time. Urgh!



I'm missing someone real bad. And i'm glad we're talking. Cause it was so damn hard being at work and always seeing him but not talking to him. I just miss him so much even tho he's just a few metres apart. Tsk. tsk. The power of love.
And the worst part! I've gotta wait till Wed till i can get to see him again. Pure torture i tell ya. Missing someone and having to wait just to see em. Oh well, at least i know he'll be missing me too. And that's better than anything in the world. =)

Going through old msges and i can't help but let tears fall.. Cause i miss you. I miss waking up to finding loads of msges from you, saying you miss me.

Am i being too stubborn-headed? I guess so. But i can't help it.
Imagine waking up feeling very happy cause you miss someone,cause you can't wait to msg them. Then checking your email next to find out that,that special someone has sent you a msg and you're already smiling wide thinking that they'll say they miss you. But then you read on only to feel your heart breaking and to find your tears running down your cheeks. Imagine the shock and pain that i had to feel. Imagine the confusion that was running through my mind at that point of time.

I'm not blaming you entirely boy.. I know partly this is all my fault too. But just try and imagine the shock i had to go through that particular day. Imagine how hard i cried, thinking over and over again what i did wrong to you. It was just so damn heartbreaking.
People have been telling me that i'm too stubborn-headed & that i should give you another chance. Maybe i should, maybe i shouldn't. I just don't know. And they seem to be putting all the blame on me too. Asking me to re-think carefully, asking me to just soften up & let things go. But do they know how i felt? Do they even know how i fucking felt my heart breaking on that day? Do they know all that? I don't think so. I do appreciate their help for trying to get us back together, but i'm just scared. And i'm sure i have done my fair share of irritating them by always talking about you. =)

Yes, true enough.. sometimes my stubborness can get in the way of great things. But sometimes, my stubborness is the only thing i can rely on to keep myself alive. And so far, i'm not doing too bad. Only that whenever i see you standing there at Bar 5, how i wish i could just go up to you and hug you like i used too. And i'll only end up walking away in tears. Cause its hurting so damn bad. Just now, when you rode your bike out of Zouk's gate.. i was wishing that you would turn and look at me. But you didn't, and i cried. Cause in my heart, i know i've lost you.
Do you know how i was trying to catch a glimpse of you the whole night? Just the sight of you would make my heart skip a beat & i would be contented. I couldn't concentrate on work. All i did was think of you.

Funny how things work. 1 minute, you're in love & the next your heart feels like it has been ripped out from your chest. Boy, you dragged me into your confusion & now you got me confused too. How i wish things didn't turn out this way. How i wish we were both still talking & loving each other like we used too. For now, i'm just too confused. Cause half of me wants you, but the other half just wants to be alone.

I hate a person who is very indecisive. Once you said somethiing, set your heart out to make it comes true or that u stick to it. Do not go around turning saying you didn't meant all that when you already know the damage has been done.
Remember this?

"If You Really Love Something Set It Free.It Comes Back It's Yours, If Not It
Wasn't Meant To Be."

Let me the one to enforce it then, since you are being so indecisive. Stick to you words boy. Stick to your believes. Yes, it hurts letting go. It kills seeing the person you love walk away. Seeing them so near, yet so far away. But once you've said it, do it. Do not come around telling me, you need me and you don't want to let me go.. When you have already done so in the first place.Colleagues tell me you're very sincere with me & that you're confused with your words. Something which i already know, without them even telling me. But i have to teach you something important. "WORDS MEAN ALOT TO ME."
For now, goodbye "Hubby".

I feel like crying.. I feel like dying.. I feel like taking a knife and just fucking sticking it into my damn chest. It is hurting ever so badly and it is certainly affecting my recovery process..
Every now and then when i thought it was all forgotten, i would suddenly get tensed up again and start crying all over again. And it is definitely making my asthma a whole lot worse. Can i pls go out and just get drunk? Pls. Cause it's the only way i can forget about all that is happening now. Cause seriously, i nd to get better. This asthma is seriously starting to kill me.
Urgh!

Ouh.. So now i'm the one pushing you away? Oh no.. No boy. You don't go around turning the story and start to put the blame on me. You want me to put up ur msg here? Then maybe u'll see what you said to me? Out of the blue, for no reasons at all.. u suddenly sent me that msg saying ,"He'll be back", "You're glad you were once an impt person in my life", blablabla..
What the fuck was all that about then?And now here you are saying i'm the one pushing you away?!
I may be sick now,but i ain't dumb dude. Certainly not DUMB. So if u think you can win by putting all the blame on me, try again. Try harder in fact.

Haiz. Fuck it lah. Let watever happen, happens. I'm too tired to argue anymore. I might as well just give up on this fucking love. Something which i've been trying to do. And i guess it is time.
Haiz. FUCK LAH! How i wish my asthma would kill me right now instead of me still able to hear my heart breaking over again. Urgh!

Oh wow.
I never never for once thought i would wake up to tears.
I opened my eyes wth a smile, cause i just had a great dream & i missed him, but he had to go breaking my heart so early.
He who said, "I want this to last long".. finally gave up on me. Finally let me go.
Was i so blinded to think that we would last?

Boy , listen up.
Yes it's true Haziq is still on my mind but havent i tell you before that i've decided to forget about him & wanted to try it out with you?
Didn't i tell u all that? Then why,for goodness sakes, why did u have to send me that msg?!
I can't believe this. I really can't. But i have to.. Since he wants it,i'm gonna grant his wish.
Too bad though. It was really a beautiful thing.
Yes, i may have been harsh to you at times, or even unfair. But u know what i'm going through now.But i guess i wasn't clear enough for you to see that i loved you very much. And u had to go and turn things around by breaking my heart & leaving me hanging when i needed you.

Alfian, I'm sorry if i wasn't clear with you or that i was harsh with you at times. I'm really really sorry. But if this is what you want, then take care. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.

How do i put it in a way where i don't hurt people's feelings? I am not good at this & i also don't wish to do it.
But i guess i have too. Haiz.

Boy, at times you're suffocating me. Yes i appreciate u spending ur time to take care of me & such, but there is a limit to everything. Not that i dnt want u around, i do. But sometimes.. URGH! How am i supposed to say it? Haiz. Okok. Sometimes you just makes me want to be apart from you. I don't know why, maybe it's me.. or maybe it's you. But for what i know now, it is definitely me. Cause when i'm sick or i'm not in the mood, i just do not wish to be around people, even though they are here with good intentions. Even when my friends asked me out, i don't want to. But i have no choice, cause most of em have the key to my house & they will come here and drag me out of the house. Haiz.

I'm sorry if this hurt u. But i guess i just have to say it. I'm so sorry. =_(

13th DECEMBER - ZOUKOUT

Tha day finally arrived. The day which all us, Zouk staffs, were waiting for. We had to report at 2.30pm sharp. But before that i had to attend Baby Girl's end-of-the-year concert. So despite the fact that i had to start work early, i had to wake up early too. which only led me to having an hour of sleep. Baby Girl as usual put up an astounding performance. & me & my fam were very very proud of her.
So after the performance, i went off to town to meet the others. Hanged out awhile and off we went to Zouk to catch our transport to Sentosa.Blablabla.. After setup and all, we were each given an hour of play time.. & so me, Jack, Onn, Pin & Jeff went off taking pictures and having fun. And it was only the beginning.
All in all, ZOUKOUT was amazing. Despite the minor hiccups when i had a shouting session with one of my senior captains, nothing else happen to spoil my day. And we ended the ZOUKOUT with drinking and throwing people into the sea. Even our duty manager and operations manager weren't spared. =D

I continued my day by going to Pahlawan beach to meet the PGs. And there we swam, played games till late. And i only reched home at about 8pm. yes ppl. PM. I basically spent more than 30hrs awake. I reached home, went online for awhile and then slept like a pig.

To my surprise, i woke up early the next day. Considering the fact that i was so damn tired & that i only slept for 1 hr throughout my 30+hrs journey, it was really surprising that i woke up early. Spent the entire day watching Desperate Housewives online & only went out at night to meet Alfian & also to follow him to JB. i actually was supposed to meet this ex of mine, Yan. But after much much deliberating, i decided not to. Cos he is still a married man & i seriously do not want things to get worse.
Went riding ard and met up with Alfian's fam at Pasar Borong. A bunch of fun ppl, only that i didn't expect that his sis was a"minah". lol. Shocking but fun.
Departed from JB at ard 4.30am & reached home ard 6am. Decided to go to poly to take MC since my cough wasn't getting any better. But in the end, Me & Alfian slept till about 5.15pm. So i had no choice but to go to my family's doctor. Blablabla.. Here i am at home waiting for ppl to reach and also for Baby Dee to finish work. But i doubt i'm gonna spend too much time outside, cos my body is still weak.



I find it hard to let anything out in here anymore these days, due to the fact that alot of ppl are reading my blog and i do not want to hurt them. But in time, it will all come out. Only now, i have to just keep it to myslef, so i won't hurt anyone. Even if it is really pissing me off. Haiz.




Oh yah, i just bought a shirt which is exactly similar like his. Why i bought it i dnt know. But i just had to. Even when Baby Dee saw it, she was immediately reminded of him too. Haiz. Why boy? Why? Why is it still so hard to let you go?
=(

I am wide awake right now even though i've got to report at work by 2pm. Yes! 2pm! which is like 5 hrs awayy!! OH GAWDD!
But i can't help it cause i've gotta attend my daughter's end-of-the-year concert. So yeah.. I'll be dead tired even before Zoukout commences.
Life has been going good as per normal except for the BIG hiccup along the way.
I was bombarded with a very very huge asthma attack. One that really caught me off guard.
Cause the last time i had such an asthma attack was a few years back, and i was really struggling to get the day done with. As u can see, i was working when my asthma came attacking.


Oh FOOOOOK!!
I've gotta get ready now!
Daddy's on a piss off mode & he's shouting at everyone for no fucking reason.
Stupid Zaini.
=p

HAZIQ.
A name that seems so hard to be erased from my memory.
He was a young boy. A young boy who loved me with all his heart. And who i loved so much too. But now,he's missing. Missing from my life. I never thought that i could love someone with an EGO that big. But he broke me. He broke my wall & made me fall in love. Not a day goes by without me thinking about him, wishing he was still here beside me. How i wish he was not caught up in between 4 walls, hidden by this pretty world. How i wish he was still outside here, enjoying happy moments with me.

I've tried so hard to forget you boy, but it seems that everywhere i go, whatever i do.. It reminds me of you. Even though you hurt me, you lied to me but what you did was irreplaceble. You taught me how to smile again, how to believe that this world is not all cruel & lies. But you had to crush all that by leaving me alone, stranded in these lies. I have to move on, leaving you behind. But i know the day shall come when you're free, & i know i'll be waiting for that day. Till that day arrives, i'll be just here clutching on to your shirt waiting for you to come back & clear things out.
Till then, Take care Haziq. Take care.
=_(

I guess u've heard quite few about what i've told others.
Now let me explain to you why said all those things.

It's not that i don't like a guy who cries. To me,a guy who dares to cry in front of ppl is a brave guy. But i just don't like it when a guy is TOO sensitive.
Cause what i need is a guy who can lead me & make me feel secure. Not the other way round. From where i'm seeing now, it seems that i'm being the GUY in this story. And i just don't like it. Yes, i may show that i'm tough & shits, but beneath it all i am still a girl. A soft hearted girl who needs a man to guide her. I'm tired of always being the one guiding ppl, telling people to be strong and that life is not all bad. I want someone to tell me all that and assure me that i can always count on him. You crying is not an issue to me, it's just that i sense that you are too sensitive. Yes, ur past is still hurting you and that you're still scared. But like i said before, what makes u think i 'm not scared too?
I've been in this situation before.. Where my ex was almost like you. But he was worst. Crying at the smallest things. Getting sensitive over small issues. And i gave up on him, cause i was not ready to become the man in the r'ship.

All i'm asking for is for you to take a breather and think. Think where you & i both stand in this story. Cause if this is how it's gonna be, then i don't think i want history to repeat itself. I'm not asking for much, but if u think this is too much of a request.. then don't worry. Back out. I'll understand. =)

My mood has been terrible these days. I've got no mood to smile or laugh. Not even to talk. Sometimes i force myself to smile & laugh and it's only making my mood worse. Tsk.

Right now.. I'm sick. AGAIN. And it seriously is bringing my mood down even more. & what with the current situation ongoing.. Haiz. I seriously wish i would sleep & nvr wake up.
And! having u in my life right now sure isn't helping at all either dude. Yan, get a grip. Your family needs u. Ur wife, ur kids. I am no longer a part of your life since the day i found out u were married. So pls, stop calling me. I don't wish to be the cause of ur marital breakdown. Pls, forget about me, move on. Accept what GOD has given u and be glad with it. Stop looking for me, stop calling me. Cause it's only going to make me hate u more. And i don't think it's best i hate anyone right now. Cause it will only lead to myself being depressed more. So pls Yan, let me go. Forget about me. What we had was a thing in the past, & it shall nvr happened again.
Gd bye.

Oh yah.
I went to DBL O on thurs. And fucking drank alot. And i was still standing. =) .Dance here & there.. Blablabla.. Cut the story short, the night was fun till something happen & changed everything. And now here i am, wishing it was all a dream.
=_(

And just when i thought things were going smoothly, it just had to turn itself around and ruin it for me. Haiz.
Why? Why? Why?
Why can't i for once just find something that will make me happy and not change? Oh gosh.
I'm delusional right now. Always wishing for things i know could never happen. Always asking for the impossible. But what can i do? I'm on the verge of seriously giving up.. & if just one more thing happens, it will be the sign to tell me to stop & give up. I just can't go through all these anymore. It hurts too much. What with Haziq's situation still ongoing, now this? Urgh..! I seriously hate my life right now. It seems to be perfect, only to be in pieces behind closed doors. I seriously hope that history doesn't repeat itself. But somehow or rather, it already has.
Fuck it lah. Why am i rambling on & on here when i'm drowning in my tears.
The fact now is that, i hate my life. And i hate myself. Why? Because i made myself believe the impossible. AGAIN.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I believe i'm the stupidest person alive right now for believing that it was my time. Tsk.

I couldn't believe that i slept for the whole of my off day yesterday!! lol. I guess that long sleep was payment for those long hours of not sleeping. Can't blame me. I slept for only 2 hrs+ on Mon morning only to wake up at 7am to go to work at Bbygirl's place. And den after that i went to Bugis to just walk ard & shop for some stuffs. & off i went again to work at Zouk. And i only reached hm at 4am. And i guess i slept all the wayyy.
I woke up ard 1am (Tues.), bathe & lazed ard in bed watching cartoons online. And i'm still wide awake right now. Lol. But it was refreshing. Having to sleep with no one disturbing or having to wake up to go to work.
I woke up to dozens of miss calls & msgs,mostly from Bby. hee. Wanted to reply but felt i shouldn't cause i would be disturbing their sleep.

I've got a jogging session later at 6. Yes. a JOGGING session introduced by Zouk. & it's compulsory. Grr. For those who knows me, knows that i am not one to exercise. And with this jogging session being compulsory, i don't have a choice do i? I'm guessing that i'll be jogging while holding on to my asthma spray in one hand. Hahaha. I hope my asthma don't come back tho.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you know how it feels to be waiting for something, only to feel like it doesn't even exist? Like as if you're waiting for something that you know is not gonna happen? Haiz. That is how i'm feeling with Haziq's situation right now. I haven't got any news about him yet. Not from frens or family. It seems like i'm just waiting for something useless. I wish i could say i've moved on from Haziq or that he's not in my thoughts anymore. But i just can't. Cause we left things off, hanging.
And i don't like it when things just get unattended and there's no answers. I need answers. I need the truth. But it seems so god damned impossible with him being inside & i can't even visit him. Haiz..
He's pratically 1 of the main reasons why i'm holding back on "LOVE". Why i'm scared to be in love again. I just wish i could get an answer. Soon. Or it's gonna really take an impact on my love life.



Bby, i know u'll be reading this. And i know there's little i can do to reassure you that i want only you. I'm trying my best here, to overcome what i'm feeling. To take a dive & try it out with you. You & i have the same thoughts & emotions going through us. We're both scared history will repeat & that we're still hung up over our exes. But believe me when i say that i am trying my very best to make this work. Haiz. Only that maybe, i need a little more time. A little more time to settle my prob with Haziq.
A truth i can't deny though, i've fallen for you. And it's growing stronger. =)