What? You read my blog only to tag "......." ??? AARGHH!!
God damn it!
i just don't know anymore.. I'm torn apart.. From wanting to love you and wanting to let u go.. I still love you.. Like i did before.. But i don't know why my mouth can't find the words to say it to you..Maybe it's because i see that you have moved on.. Maybe also because i know it won't be the same anymore.. I know you have started getting to know girls.. And that hurts.. I know i've hurt you too.. But i just can't keep it to myself.. I admit.. I check your frenster.. Every single day.. Cause i feel jealous when another girl adds u... Or when u add other girls.. There! I confess... I still check ur frenster..

I just can't be with you while you're contacting other girls.. You know my jealousy.. it gets way overboard once it started.. And it has begun..

I tk tau lah Rizal..I seriously tak tau.. I work almost everyday.. 24 hrs.. Just to take my mind off u.. But i can't.. Even at work, i still think of u.. I still talk about u... I still talk about how we were supposed to get married..
Right now, right here.. I'm crying as i type this.. Cause things have really hit me hard.. How things have changed btwn us.. How it all changed within a blink of an eye.. I have begun to drink again.. Just to get myself to sleep without crying. I still tink of u at night.. Cause where i'm facing is the number, "3003" on my wall. Pictures of u and me, all over my room. I can't bear to take them down.. Cause it reminds me of our sweetest memories..

Help me Rizal.. Cause i seriously don't know what else to do.. I seriously can't go on like this anymore.. Cause one day, it will really take it's toll. I'm trying my very best to try and take it all.. But i don't know how long it's going to last.. Cause right now, I'm feel like it's almost time to end my life..

"I just wanna say i'm sorry for doing all this.. For changing.. For making you change.. I just don't know what else to say,other than "I'M SORRY." "

Why am i getting paranoid over what he does..? Over who he contacts..?
I just don't know what to do anymore.. I am getting too paranoid till it came to the extend where i cry everytime i see or listen to something that reminds me of him..

Why of all times now Rizal?
Why?
Why are you torturing me again?
What are you trying to achieve?
If you're trying to make me feel hurt, you've done it..
Pls.. stop all this..
I can't bear it much longer..
It's sooner or later that eventually i will succeed it trying to end my life..
Pls, i beg you..
Stop all this..
I can't take it anymore..

IT'S NOT FAIRR!!! Why am i feeling jealous when he has another girl? Why am i feeling jealous when he does things i'm not fond off ?? WHY AM I FEELING JEALOUS WHEN HE DOESN"T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL??!! Fuck you! I was doing so good in trying to forget u.. then you have to come and start all over again..

You knew i had other guys, you knew wat ever i did.. But yet you act as if it's not affecting you.. But here i am going berserk when another girl calls u.. When u're going to meet another girl.. And yet, you still want me back? You want me back but you want your life too..
Make a choice.. Cause you can only have one.. You've asked me to make my choice.. And i've made it.. Now it's your turn..

NO!
NO!
This shouldn't be happening! It should have been over.. NO! pls.. I've had enough... GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Funny how your life can change in an instance.. One minute you know what you're doing with your life.. And the next, you're running wild like a dog loose from the leash.. I don't know how long this facade is going to go on.. I don't know if i have the strength to carry on much longer.. I WILL BE MEETING HIM TODAY. Wise or bad decision? I don' know.. We'll see what happens..


I'm so filled with hatred for guys that even i hurt my friends.. And even family.. I have started to condemn guys.. Not believeing a word they say.. Always slamming them down without hesitation.. Ruthless?? I don't fcuking care..I am what i am.. Accept me for who i am..
I'm only sorry that because of this i have been spending less and less quality time with my baby girl.. Every night i come back, she will say, "Mummy, I Love You."
Those words are enough to make me believe that she's all i ever need in this world.. She's all that matters.. I don't mind spending my entire life alone.. Just as long as she is by my side...


"Phia, you're turning 4 soon.. Time flew so fast i don't know where it went.. I'm sorry if i've neglected you these past few weeks.. But i do not want u to be the victim of my misery.. I'll always love you.. And you'll always be my NUMBER 1.. Nothing in this world can change that.. Nothing in this world can tear us apart.. You'll always be my BABY GIRL. I love you."

Too much sad, angry entries just don't make my day.. I am now always falling sick at the slightest touch..
Gaaahhh!!

He wants to meet me 2moro..
Should i or shouldn't i??
God! whatever lah kannn! Aku sumpah aku da tk tau nk buat ape lagi sakkkk!!!

I have turned into a monster.. With no care of anyone's feelings.. I go around and hurt everybody like nobody's business.. What the heck am i doing? I don't really know..
I treid and tried again.. But all that happens is hurt. Hurt, Hurt and more hurt.. Till my heart has become numb.. Till it can't feel love anymore..

Being mean, playing with feelings is my game now.. And i dread it.. I dread waking up evry single day going through the same routine over and over again.. I've tried my very best to love again.. To open up my heart.. But it's sealed shut. Sealed from the open world.. Sealed from everything.. Going out every single night. And only going home when i'm drunk.. I drink away all my sorrows.. That's how it's gonna be now..
I don't care what you say.. I don't care what you think.. I've had enough.. And this is where i belong..


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Sentosa trip was FUN! minus the hiccups and the latecomers( terase tkmo marah horr.. ).. It was a fun trip overall.. Thanks NUSS jahanams for making my day..
Pics.?? Soon lah kanak2.. Now kakak very busy.. Everyday work.. Everyday mabok.. So it might be awhile before you guys get the pics.. Hahax!
BYE!!

What the hell were you thinking?! Why are you doing this?! OH MY GOD! I can't believe you were stupid enough to go and do that.. I'm so disappointed in you.. Utterly disappointed.. I never thought you could stoop so low till u had to do that.. And u're taking it too?! Oh come on! Seriously.. i just don't know what else to say to you Rizal.. Don't blame me for your changes.. Even if were to leave you and you feel lost, u still have brains to think.. You still have your life.. And yet you're throwing it all away just like that.. What are you trying to do? Trying to make me feel guilty? Trying to put the blame all on me? Whatever lahh.. I just don't know what to say anymore.. Cause this time.. You've made my decision.

You wanna hate me for posting this.. I don't care.. Cause you've disappoint me one too many times..

So you've read my blog? And what have you been reading?
Only the part where somebody got to know me? How bout the part where i tried killing myself?
Huh?
And after reading the part about Mr Chan, you told people i was dead.
Thanks alot lah Rizal.. Now i know what you're reallly made of.. I'm out here stressing and you're out there telling people i was dead..
Tkpe lah.. Buat bnyk2 k..
I don't mind..
I seriously don't know what to do with us right now..

AAARGH!! Let whatever happens, happen. I just don't know what to do anymore..
I'm living my life like a drama these few days.. Always smiling when it's all empty inside..
And now this..
Weeee! Sukenya aku!
Whatever lah kan..
Fcuk all dat is happening..
I just want to die.
Peace!

What somebody said to me yesterday has affected my life today..
Somebody said, "Kau gerek eh.. Macam tkde pape seh kau break dgn Ex kau.. Lagi2 kau nk nikah siol lagi brape minggu.. Aku tgk kau asik senyum je.."

I replied with laughter to her yesterday.. But today it finally sanked in on how i was pushing away my tears.. I didn't realise it.. But it finally happened.. I have been pushing away this sad feeling for too long.. And now it has affected my work.. I'm doing my work like a zombie.. Staring into space at times.. And just smiling when people ask me why.. I feel empty inside..
I smile and i laugh.. But inside.. I feel darkness and emptiness.. I don't know why.. But i guess it finally has sanked in.. That it is all over.. And that my life will never be the same again..

I will be going to East Coast today.. Alone.. I just want to be alone where no one can reach me.. Where no one can disturb me.. I'm... feeling so empty..

Oh yeah.. Mr Chan has a gf.. but he spends every moment with me. How?
Confusion all over again. Fcuk.

I do not wish for things to happen this way.. For life to go back to where it started..

What i'm living now is a life of lies and deception.. Never did i expect that i could go back to my wild ways.. I never wanted all this to happen.. But fate is in God's hands.. All i can do now is accept whatever comes my way.. All the lies, cheating.. Everything.. I am still hung up over Rizal, eventhough i don't show it.. Only few manage to break my wall and know what i'm feeling.. I spend nites away from home.. Always outside, finding something to do.. I do not wish to come back home and cry all night.. Cause i know that's what i'll do.. So now, nites have become morning, and mornings have become nights for me.. Haizz..

i just noticed something!!

DEXTER CHAN looks abit like CHESTER BENNINGTON from Linkin Park!!
Kan?! kan?! Kan?!
Hahahahahah!

I have finally cracked.. YIPPEEEE!!!

Hahaha..
Guess wat "Mr Chan" said to me..

"You, no need to go lah tonite.. You meet me sudah.. Ckp dgn ur frens u tertinggal ur wallet at my house.. Beh i kidnap u.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..
Fucker sia u..
You think my friend would believe ke.. dey know me lah doinkz..! they know if i say i go, i'll definitely go..
Oh yah! Everyday u meet me not enough ke? hahaha.. oh i forgot.. "Tattoo boy so cute till u must see me everyday.. " ((his old msg for me..))
Hahahahahaha.. Tak tau malu tol u!
Sorry hor.. But i won't see you tonight..
Bye Mr Chan!

My english is seriously to be condemned at this time.. I read through my previous,previous post and my english is all atrocious.. Seriously.. wat in the world am i doing? Damn it.. Everything is all going wrong..

I really don't know what to do with my life anymore.. Guys i loved have broken my heart one after the other.. And every single time, i retaliated by going wild.. Sadly,that is what i'm doing now..
Haizz.. It has been very confusing for me.. I have trouble sitting at home.. Every night i feel like going out, eventhough i'm working morning the next day.. I just can't sit at home.. Sitting at home makes me daydream.. And from daydreaming i tend to think about past.. And that's when i become suicidal.. ARRRGGHH!!
Here i am at 8.30 in the morning, crying. I just can't sit at home.. It hurts too much.. Memories of him and me play still see us, laughing and joking on the sofa.. Him teasing me.. Making me angry..

I don't know when this heartbreak will end.. Cause i have no more strength in me to carry on.. All day i dream.. Dream of something that is never going to take place..
"26th January".. It was supposed to be the day where i became Queen for the day.. But all that has gone down the drain..

I just want to stop crying but the tears seem to have a mind of its own.. It's not letting my forget.. It's not letting me let go.. I hate it.. I hate everything.. Fcuk.


((Now, i spend my days hanging out.. Laughing.. But only to avoid all the tears at home.. ))


Fcuk all that and let me tell you bout someone.
The other day,I made frens with a chinese dude.. Not exactly pure chinese lah.. cause he speaks malay.. Blood mixture of Malay/ Eurasian & Chinese. "ROJAK" boy.. or "tattoo boy" as my mummy calls him.. Lols.. Eh Mr Chan, lapar uh! hahaha. Funny guy.. DOESNT SMOKE! (yes. i know..unbelievable kan..?!) But quite a shy guy.. Likes spending time at home ALOT. when i say ALOT, i really do mean ALOTTTTT!!! Lolx. Wanna see how he looks like?? hehehehe..

And now! Introducing the Tattoo boy! Mr DEXTER CHAN!! lol! (i know, i know.. picture quality sucks.. Bt wat to do.. the person sucks as well! hahah.. Main2 je lah pantat!)
Cute kan ni cina sesat??! Don't be scared of his tattoo.. Tu semua stick-ons.. hahaha.. No lah. And tolong eh, He's not a matrep ehh!!
Lol.. (Dex, i'm makin u famous.. Say "Thank you".. hahahahha..)
Bye all!

It's been a while since i updated..So many things has happened.. And i just don't want to relive them all..
I was admitted to the hospital due to some reasons..
And not everyone knows it.. Not even Rizal... Well, since i'm already writing it here.. i guess now everyone will know.. Haiz...



One after the other, my heart was broken.. And i seriously don't know how to go through it..
But a new day came, and i had no choice but to live it.. I tried my very best not to cry.. But eventually i'll end up crying at the end of the day..
I just wish i can forget all these stupid fcuks...
From Rizal to Tokyo.. to everything else..
Fcuk it..





All that has happened has made me changed. Changed to someone worse.. Changed to someone called "Nana".. A girl who was once the flirt and bitch that almost everyone knew.. And yes, now she's back.. All these shits that has happened to me has made me built my wall back again.. A wall i had demolished when i met Rizal.. But now, the wall is back.. And the mask is on.. I am now nothing but a fake trying to get back at guys.. And all this,because of Love. How i wish it didn't turn out this way.. But what's done can't be undone.. And this is the way i shall be till i find what's rightfully mine..





Guys come and go.. But friends stay with you forever..

LOVE YOU LAH DEE!!
Thanks for being there for me when i really needed someone by my side.. You lent me a shoulder when i needed one to cry on..
I really appreciate it lots Dee.
I Love you lah Babehhh!!
Lols!

I have so much things to update.. But i am at lost for words to describe wat i'm feeling now.. My feelings are all jumbled up.. ARGH FUCK!

To Rizal, I wish it could be as easy as that.. I wish that by just hugging you.. everything will go away.. But then again.. wishes don't come true.. (well, for me anyways..) I'm just too confuse right now.. *Singtel operator voice* Please.. Try again later..

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

To Tokyo, if saying sorry is still not working.. then i'm sure nothing else will.. If you could only give me a minute to explain things out.. Then you'll know how i feel.. But seriously.. if this is wat you still want.. so be it.. All i can say is, I'm SORRY.




All these things that are happening to me are just making me worse and worse..

Let me clear the air to my baby iqah k.. Baby, you are not to be blame about what happened btwn me and Gemok.. The decision i made was purely mine.. Without any help at all from you.. So pls.. Don't blame yourself.. My life, my choices are purely mine.. No one is to be blamed for it..

And to Fidah, thanks for caring bout me.. But i think i;m ok.. I THINK lah.. But then again.. I don't know what i'm thinking.. Lols.

I am nw out.. Trying to let myself forget.. Forget about all the good and bad times.. About all that has ever happened. I don't know where i'm going to get the strength from.. But i hope i'll make it through.. Crying every single minute has made me weak.. Very very weak.. I just wish i can die.. Right now... Haiz...


"I give up on every single thing i do right now.. All i want is to smile and be happy.. But even smiling takes up all my strength.. I am not who i was.. And i will never be again.."

Tears rolling down my cheeks.. Every single thing i look at reminds me of him.. Looking at pictures of me and him brings back the good and bad memories.. The fond memories where we laugh and cry together.. I don't know what i'm feeling.. I'm too confused.. I don't know if i should hold on or let go.. Or should i just go back into his waiting arms.. It's too much for me to bear.. It hurts so much. I wish GOD could take this pain away and just let me die.. I can't stand the pain.. It's too hard.. Pls.. Help me.. Guide me..

A new year.. A new chapter.. I don't know what are things now btwn me and Rizal..
I don't know if we are still together.. or it is the end of us.. As the clock struck 12 yesterday, tears rolled down my eyes.. I miss him so much but at the same time i loathe him.. Loathe him for making me suffer.. For making me cry.. Yesterday's countdown was full of tears for me. It wasn't a happy one. It wasn't a fun one.. As people went around congratulating each other.. I sat one corner and cried.. Cried thinking why was this happening.. When is this all going to end..

I feel lost without him but at the same time empowered by the feeling of hatred. Every night will be a sleepless night for me as everything i look at reminds me of him.. Everywhere i go reminds me of him.. I haven't been going home for a few days cause i know he'll be looking for me at my house. I have been avoiding contact with him.. And it kills me by doing so.. I don't want to hurt him.. But if this is what it takes to get an answer.. Then i'll suffer through it alone..


"Where do we stand now? as Lovers? Friends? or Enemies? I still am finding out."