The little "RED" monster has decided to come and haunt me today. And also to me give me the cramps to go along with it.. Period lahh oii..Bahhh!. Oh well, at least i'll get to visit my arwah "atak's" grave on the 1st day of raya..I miss him terribly.
"Why did you have to leave me so soon atak? didn't u want to see me get married? I never even got to see your when you passed away. In fact i only knew you had passed and left me, 1 week after. How cruel of mama and ayah not to tell me. I hated them. I despised them. i didn't want to talk to them. Cause they didn't let me see you for the last time..I didn't talk to them for God knows how long. I turned havoc,i turned wild because of all the hatred and anger compiling inside. Then, i got pregnant.. i still remember the day, when i was sleeping. It felt so real.. So very vivid. I remembered you standing at the door of my room smiling at me. I was already 7 mths pregnant then.You just stood there and smiled at me. Then slowly you went away.. You waved at me and you were gone. I woke up right after you left and shouted your name. I cried. You have no idea how i've missed you. You have no idea how i was ashamed with myself,for having disappoint you, for having disgraced your name. Yet you came,and you just smiled. You weren't angry with me. You just.. smiled.. I related the incident to mama,who in turned told it to ayah. Ayah den told mama dat he had almost the same dream where u came, looked at him,smiled and just went away.. I knew it was you atak.. I knew it wasn't some stupid evil thing just playing with my thoughts. After that day, i kept holding on to your picture. The only picture i have of you. I went to sleep crying,missing you and holding on to your picture. You were always there for me when i was small, but everything changed the day ayah cut off his family ties with all of you. I didn't know what was happening back then as i was only a young girl. Following days and weeks after we left, i kept asking mama and ayah when we were going to visit you again. They only said soon, but it was never to happen again. That was the last time i ever saw of you. Then, on 31/01/2004,i gave birth to my daughter.. The same night in hospital,u appeared again in my dreams. You looked over my daughter's crib and you smiled. Isn't she the exact same replica as me atak? she is, isn't she? Then i saw tears coming from your eyes.. I wanted you to stay, i wanted you to hold your great-grand daughter. I wanted you to give her the love that you had given me. But you left again, without saying a word. I will let her know what a wonderful,great man you were. I'll let her remember you like how i remember you.I know that you're looking in on me as i'm tearing and typing this post now. I just wish you didn't leave me so soon. There are many things i want to say to you. And the only time i will,is every year on Hari Raya. I'll be there soon atak, to visit you. How i wish i can stay there with you all the time.. I promise you i will come and visit often, not only on Hari Raya. Atak, I miss you.. and I love you.
Your grandaughter, ana."
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I've withstand the harshest pain & hurt a human can get. My weakness is love.
And i'll do anything for the people i love. I've been told that i can be intimidating, but at the end of the day, i might just be your best friend.
I do not wish to hate but if i've been hated, i'll be more than please to return the favour.
Simply said..
I'm known as P G Tazzy Yana or Tazz. I'm 22. I have 1 daughter,ZAPHIA. I'm a part of P G.
And i'm happy with my life.